So our own Ma “Tour de Taiwan” Ying-jeou (馬環台英九) has found a new pen pal.
I’m referring, of course, to the recent report that Chicom-in-Chief Hu Jintao (胡錦濤) sent a congratulatory telegram to the M-dog after the latter’s thrashing win in the election for Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) chairman.
Ma then wrote a telegram in response, thanking Hu for the note.
It was the dog days of late July, which translates as “news hole” in journalese. So the English-language media went bonkers with it.
Said Bloomberg: “China’s Hu congratulates Taiwan’s Ma on party post.” Screamed the Straits Times: “Ma, Hu swap messages.” Burbled the Central News Agency: “Taiwan, China presidents exchange direct messages.”
Soon the media were breathlessly hyping up a Ma-Hu summit, despite Ma clearly saying that this was about as likely as a reunion tour by The Jackson 5.
Turns out the Ma-Hu summit chatter originated — surprise, surprise — in China’s state-run media and its ink-stained proxies. In other words, more wishful thinking by the Chicoms.
“Stars align for a Hu-Ma meet,” gushed a commentary in Asia Times, penned by one Jian Junbo (簡軍波), identified at the end as “assistant professor of the Institute of International Studies at Fudan University, Shanghai, China.”
Intoned the China Daily: “Ma’s campaign was in the spotlight since it may result in a historic meeting between him and … Hu in their capacities as heads of the two ruling parties. ... Li Jiaquan (李家泉), a senior researcher with the Institute of Taiwan Studies at the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, said he thinks a meeting between Hu and Ma might materialize after 2012 if Ma wins a second term.”
It was hardly the “first” exchange of messages between Hu and Ma, though. NewsWatch’s crack research team has discovered that the two stuffed suits have actually been corresponding in secret for years.
Forbidden pen pals; covert correspondents, virtual “bff’s” — call them what you will. Kept apart by politics, the two found companionship, even became — dare I say it — “soulmates,” and all through the written word.
They employed telegrams, instant messages. And some of their most sensitive missives were spirited across the Taiwan Strait in the talons of a specially trained black-faced spoonbill, set aloft and recovered by the Ministry of Justice’s Investigation Bureau in a bird sanctuary outside Tainan.
What follows are excerpts from their until-now-unrevealed exchanges.
To: Golden Horse [Editor’s note: Ma’s code name]
From: Chuckles [Editor’s note: Hu’s code name]
Telegram, Nov. 12, 2008
So, you finally locked up that worthless [expletive] known as “A-bian” STOP Good on you STOP Is torture allowed there? STOP Hope so STOP
To: Chuckles
From: Golden Horse
Telegram, Nov. 13, 2008
Yeah, it took a while but he’s in the can STOP How’s the anti-hemorrhoid cream I sent working for you? STOP
To: Golden Horse
From: Chuckles
Telegram, Nov. 14, 2008
Working great, thanks a million STOP A million yuan, that is, not worthless US dollars STOP Ha ha ha STOP Told Zebra [Editor’s note: likely code name for former Politburo Standing Committee member Zeng Qinghong, 曾慶紅] about it though, now he’s on me for more of the stuff STOP What a pill STOP Can send five more cases? STOP
The two resorted to black spoonbill-borne message transmission last month after a Taiwanese tween hacked into the Presidential Office’s computer network and downloaded the transcripts of Ma and Hu’s chats on QQ (a popular Instant Messenger software used in China).
Here’s one sample; its veracity cannot be independently verified by NewsWatch.
July 7, 2009
Golden Horse: Tough times u r having there in Xinjiang, huh? :-(
Chuckles: Yep — how can we keep cracking down in Tibet when we’ve got our hands full w these Uighurs? lol :)
Golden Horse: I can relate — we’ve got all these students here that call themselves the “wild strawberries.”
Chuckles: So?
Golden Horse: They camped out in the Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall for months.
Chuckles: And?
Golden Horse: It was a real drag. :-(
Chuckles: So how many did you have to kill? ^o^
Golden Horse: Kill?
Chuckles: Yeah, how many d’yu off?
Golden Horse: No, no you don’t get it —
Chuckles: What?
Golden Horse: We can’t just go around shooting people here.
Chuckles: ?
Golden Horse: It’s a “democracy,” remember?
Golden Horse: At least, it is until our plan comes to fruition. :-)
Chuckles: Oh, right. Whatever.
Chuckles: K, gotta run.
Golden Horse: K.
Chuckles: 88.
Golden Horse: 881.
Sadly, the international media — unaware of this secret communication — played up the recent telegram swap as if it were actually news.
Here’s The Associated Press (AP): “It was the latest sign in rapidly improving relations between the once bitter enemies.”
When are these guys going to move on to a new storyline?
I’m waiting for the day when AP runs the following: “Ma Ying-jeou rolled out of bed this morning, farted and failed to be the slightest bit worried about China — in the latest sign of warming relations between the once bitter foes.”
In other news, Bloomberg ran an interview with Ma that should have been titled, “The best is yet to come.” Wrote the biz wire: “Taiwanese President Ma Ying-jeou says he’s only getting started in opening new economic links with China, after doing more than any of his predecessors to improve relations since the two sides split in 1949.”
That’s right, dear reader. If you like the thousands of spitting, chain-smoking Chinese tourists flooding our island, you’ll love what Ma’s got planned next.
We’re going to get so close economically to China that soon you won’t know where our FDI ends and their GDP begins.
We’ll be so swollen with Chinese investment we won’t be able to see our own Johnsons.
And you’ll be able to pick up a crappy electronics product at the Guanghua Market and see “Made in Chaiwan” stamped on the bottom.
As a term, “Chaiwan” is pretty asinine — I covered that in an earlier column — but I guess it’s not as bad as the alternative, “Taiwina” (rhymes with “vagina”?).
Cue TV spot produced by international PR agency:
Foreign Businessman No. 1: “Hey — your Taiwan is in my China.”
Foreign Businessman No. 2: “No, your China’s in my Taiwan.”
Foreign Businessman No. 1: (surprised) “Hey, not bad.”
Foreign Businessman No. 2: (smiling) “I’ll say — delicious.”
Ricardo Montalban-esque voiceover: “Taiwan and China — two great tastes that taste great together.”
Now that Ma has consolidated party and government power in his hot little hands, and with the Chinese state-run press setting playdates for him and Hu, can anything stop the mad race toward full economic union?
Stay tuned.
Got something to tell Johnny? Get it off your chest: Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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