Sat, Jan 26, 2008 page8

• Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: If I'm not PC, then I apolitologize

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  Be honest with me, dear reader. Am I settling into a comfortable routine in my old age, or is my beloved country doing it for me?

  In the news: A Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) legislator-elect has been indicted for vote-buying; investors are swooning over the prospect of a little Chinese tourist action; and KMT presidential aspirant Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) is bouncing up and down the country like a hyperactive yo-yo on the high-speed rail.

  Business as usual. Not even worth writing about.

  Yet there is the promise of something new in the air, as the Great Jogger launched his latest national tour, with three exotic flavors-of-the-week.

  And what are the top priorities for Super Campaign Trail III?

  Old folks who live alone: They're the next best thing to kissing babies. And like infants, they won't be able to fend off an assault if Ma's lips get frisky.

  Volunteers: Like the KMT, they do what is right with no thought of personal profit.

  Minority ethnic groups: These are the people Ma occasionally hits with his bicycle while speed-dating the country's nether regions.

  Yep, Ma's a minority man. He knows all about the plight of Mainlanders. That's why he was stunned and hurt by a painful little incident last month while campaigning in Taipei County.

  You remember the one. It was caught on video.

  "When you come into our city, you become one of us ... I [will] see you as a human being, as a citizen. I will educate you well," Ma cooed charmingly to his Aboriginal audience, before reeling them in with a gallant flourish: "Aborigines should adjust their mentality. If you come into the city, you have to play by our rules."

  And what are those rules, Mr Ma? Well, if you're an Amis Aborigine in Sindian (新店), it means getting kicked out of your flood-plain-designated home just before contractors install an embankment to make the area safe for a big development project.

  Welcome to the city -- now put up and shut up.

  You gotta like a man who tells it like it is. Yet Ma's generous, unsolicited advice somehow ended up causing him a lot of embarrassment. And in the end, he even apologized.

  I'm sorry, did I say apologized? I meant "apolitologized."

  An "apolitology," for those unaware, is the first mark of a true statesman. When public figures make utter asses of themselves, as they will, they know better than to apologize. The proper course of action is to say sorry for any "misunderstanding" or "misinterpretation" their comments may have produced among "a few" members of the public.

  The Sindian debacle wasn't the only flak Ma has copped for his thoughts on Aborigines. His campaign pamphlets declaring that Aborigines aren't genetically disadvantaged, just economically disadvantaged, struck a sour note, too. But after his heartfelt apolitology, I'm sure the nation's minorities will go wild with joy if he shows up at their door.

  The KMT presidential dopeful isn't the only one who's been brushing up on apology-avoidance skills lately. President Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁) showed recently that he is not to be outclassed by his would-be successor.

  Chen, upset at the KMT as usual -- the details are uninteresting -- compared the party to "a woman who makes a row for no obvious reason."

  What a pair, Ma and Chen. I've long felt we should team them up as prez and vice prez. Chen can be on top -- he's used to it, after all -- and Ma can be a "No. 2" of sorts (A-bian and dabian (大便), that is).

  And Chen's apolitology? It went something like this -- via Presidential Office spokesman David Lee (李南陽) -- "Sorry ladies if you just don't get it. I'm not sexist. My right-hand man is a chick."

  Then Lee ticked off a list of Chen's outstanding collection of feminist credentials. Well, that had me sold, anyway. If appointing eight skirts to the Cabinet in 2000 isn't enough to exempt Chen from feminine wrath then, by God, what was the point of putting up with them?

  Now, had they been thinking clearly, the thing that Chen and his office should have pointed out was the complete irrelevance of his original remark. After all, where did the fairer sex come into the conversation anyway? I may not have proof, but as far as I can tell, the bickerers-in-chief here -- Chen and Ma -- are men. Or at least, they're not women.

  And besides, give my gal Cathy credit: She only starts a row for a reason, such as when I've done something so embarrassing at the KTV that I can't describe it -- even in this column.

  But, as Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) caucus dessert whip Wang Tuoh (王拓) aptly clarified while generously apolitologizing to the opposite sex in Chen's name, there's a long-standing tradition of comparing bad things to womenfolk on this side of the Pacific.

  Wait a sec ... isn't there a word for that? Oh yeah -- misogyny. Quite the snappy defense, Mr Wang.

  But the DPP wins two points to one for its brilliant rhetoric of late. You can't possibly have forgotten Ministry of Education Secretary-General Chuang Kuo-jung (莊國榮), who thought it was a bright idea to imply that Taipei Mayor Hau Lung-bin (郝龍斌) is homosexual.

  And you don't have to dig far to find other pearls. Remember when former presidential adviser Koo Kwang-ming (辜寬敏) dipped into his wealth of wisdom to warn us that people who wear skirts shouldn't be president?

  Or when the Kaohsiung City Council put up a billboard "plugging" Ma with a coarse phrase that had women's groups foaming at the mouth and parents concerned the sign would transform their kids into cursing louts or -- even more revolting -- seduce them into liking Ma?

  Personally, I'm more offended by honorary KMT janitor Lien Chan (連戰) when he breathes. Or the idea of DPP presidential wannabe Frank Hsieh (謝長廷) and Ma playing inter-party snuggle-bunny in the presidential bedroom as head honcho and premier. Or rival newspaper executives magically disappearing from photos with the pope.

  But you have to admit, some of the stuff these guys come up with isn't exactly a testament to their dexterity in public relations.

  Some of you might argue that yours truly hasn't exactly been a model of political correctness either. Fair enough.

  But let's get things straight. I have a license to be an ass: I don't get paid by the word.

  Last I checked, our politicians get paid for administrating stuff. Like the country. If public figures aren't expected to uphold a certain standard of sensitivity, I might as well be president. And let's remember, political correctness serves a purpose. It allows us to spend less time hearing about the calamities that trip from politicians' tongues so that we can concentrate on their poor excuses for policies.

  So I was happy to hear that the KMT seems to be learning from Ma's little Aboriginal mishap.

  To avoid being branded a cretin, Ma is now armed with a list of topics never to broach: Aborigines, prostitutes, gays, lesbians, the hearing-impaired, the visually impaired, women, people with only one leg, speakers of Hoklo and labor unions. Oh, and people with intellectual disabilities -- particularly fans of Jay Chou (周杰倫), those who collect 7-Eleven Hello Kitty memorabilia and Annette Lu (呂秀蓮) groupies.

  If asked: "Mr Ma, what is your take on rights for the handicapped?", the answer now is "Fine weather we're having."

  And what of KMT plans to run an ad comparing the state of the economy to the lepers of Losheng? Stillborn. It just isn't the new "PC" KMT.

  No, expect instead another Korean talking head dumping all over Taiwan's economy.

  A North Korean, that is.

  If politicians blurt out words not befitting people in their position, show some understanding.

  But if you really feel you must, go ahead and discriminate against them. After all, politicians aren't genetically disadvantaged.

  They're just stupid.

  Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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