So another UN bid comes and goes, but this year's defeat was much more successful than last year's failure -- if you're prepared to believe the GIO's resident court jester, Shieh Jhy-wey (謝志偉).
In a plug that sounded more like an advertisement for washing powder, the ever-cheerful Shieh relayed on Sept. 18 how this year's bid was "three times more effective than previous years, with 1,600 articles published in the international media, with more than 90 percent of the opinion pieces in favor of Taiwan joining the UN."
Three times more effective maybe, but ultimately fruitless: Unlike those detergent ads, the red stain of China couldn't be washed away.
So what was the reason behind the success of this year's failure, you might ask?
Was it the increased effectiveness of our fair-weather friends (sorry, diplomatic allies) speaking on our behalf at the UN General Assembly? Nope. Was there an unexpected last-minute act of goodwill on behalf of Chicomissimo Hu Jintao (胡錦濤) and our "commiepatriots" across the strait? Most definitely not.
No, it must have been down to those creative types who came up with the English-language ad in support of this year's bid that was placed on phone booths and buses around New York during the UN talkfest.
You know the one: a whale in a goldfish bowl.
And whom do we have to thank for that? There's only one place in the world that such an outlandish concept could have been dreamed up. Adland, or Madison Avenue in New York City, that's where.
It is a well-known fact that the avenue's ad execs spend most of the working day coked up to their eyeballs. In fact, the Colombian economy would grind to a halt if that famous Manhattan thoroughfare experienced a serious downturn in business.
And only after snorting copious amounts of Charlie while listening to Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds for added inspiration could someone come up with such a ludicrous idea as a cramped-up cetacean in a carafe.
But they must have got a spark of inspiration from somewhere, and I think I know just where that was. After all, it may not be a bona fide whale, but the whale shark -- or "tofu shark" as it's known by Taiwanese animal lovers -- could have served as their inspiration. Because when we are not busy marinating the poor suckers in soy sauce, we Taiwanese have made a cottage industry out of exporting these endangered gentle giants to spend the rest of their life (or death, as the case may be) swimming around in an oversized fish tank in Georgia.
But that's hardly surprising, as my fellow countrymen are an authority when it comes to keeping animals (or people for that matter) cooped up in uncomfortably small spaces.
We keep orangutans in Taipei apartments, dogs in bags, the first lady locked up in the Minsheng Residence and my own personal favorite, Japanese fighting fish in plastic cups.
But all the same, squeezing the world's largest mammal into a goldfish bowl is taking things to the next level, even if we are doing it to promote something that is about as unlikely as honorary KMT fossil Lien Chan (
But ridiculous is cool in the ad industry, and besides, you've got to justify your sky-high salary somehow. And we are talking astronomical salaries. I have some experience dealing with these advertising types and believe me, to paraphrase Winston Churchill: "Never have so few been paid so much for doing so little."
But whatever I say about US advertising execs, it is unlikely that they are as dreadful as their local counterparts. For an example of a Taiwanese ad exec, one need look no further than Jerry Fan (
Great job, Jerry!
Now I'm not suggesting Fanny -- as I like to call him -- partakes in any illegal nasal activity, but if someone can give me a better explanation as to why the "anti-corruption" protesters in Taiwan invoked the mysterious Peruvian Nazca lines as part of their campaign last year then I'm all ears.
Then there was last month's well-thought out candle gimmick that left a thin layer of wax on one of Taipei's busiest roads and ended up costing the campaign NT$500,000, a sum that I'm sure would have been much better spent with Jerry's advertising agency.
Advertisers in Taiwan, it seems, are prepared to take stupidity into new territory.
I mean, where else would you get an ad that uses actors dressed in school uniform to promote alcoholic drinks, a la Vodka Ice? All this goes on while there is a warning about minors drinking alcohol at the bottom of the TV screen. There oughta be a law.
And whose bright idea was it to get Singaporean songstress Stephanie Sun (
The waif-like Sun looks like she would explode at the merest glimpse of carbohydrates.
As for those other darlings of the advertising world, S.H.E, well, I've made my thoughts on them plain in the past. Still, I couldn't believe my eyes during a trip to my local supermarket the other day. The gruesome threesome are advertising Carnation panty pads!
It's debatable that any of them have even gone through puberty. On second thoughts, Ella must have done, because last time I saw a close-up of her she had more facial hair than Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean.
One of my biggest gripes about TV advertising in Taiwan is that it is so formulaic, with almost 50 percent of ads falling into just two categories. The annoyingly cute kids shouting in unison or the ultra-manly, deep-voiced car and traditional medicine commercials.
Has there ever been a traditional medicine ad that doesn't feature voice-overs from a man who sounds like he's trying to take a shit after swallowing a dozen golf balls?
But apart from all the pretentious pricks you meet, the de rigueur NT$100,000 per week coke habit and the long office hours, the most frustrating thing about the local advertising industry is this: After you've put in all the effort and won the contract, blown all your cash on China White to get your creative juices flowing, been up for weeks on end brainstorming ideas, filmed the commercial, got the company exec to accept your flaky concept and created a minute-long masterpiece, you sit down to watch the fruits of your labor debut on TV when, seconds after it begins, the screen goes blank as your gangster-owned cable company patches over your pride and joy with one of those cheap-ass ads plugging car finance, shitty furniture or Bedding World (
Welcome to the big time.
Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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