Invitations to fancy dinners from Scandinavian diplomats. Requests for a "heart to heart" over coffee from bright, young, female, aspiring journalists. And a proposal from a certain arms dealer for an all-expenses-paid junket to Pattaya to "let our hair down," in his memorable words.
With all the propositions flooding into my inbox these days -- some unprintable -- I may need some kind of social planner. Well, let me just make it clear: After recent fiascos involving my Taipei Times expense account and Xiao H, Xiao I and Xiao J, I am happily settled down with my gal Cathy Pacific and dog Punkspleen. I'm not gonna fall for the old Chicom honey trap, so don't even try it, fellas. And most importantly: I cannot be bought (rentals, however, will be considered on a merit basis given an appropriate allowance for Taiwan Beer).
I'm not the only one with a packed schedule these days -- the Rice-Planter-in-Chief has also been a busy little Formosan butterfly. President Chen Shui-bian (
"Wo zai xiang ni," was the Presidentissimo's response -- "I'm thinking of you" -- which drew a round of laughter.
Some thought that was an inappropriate remark, but I say the aspiring journalist only got what she deserved for asking a particularly asinine question. "I'm thinking of you -- naked": now that would have pushed the envelope.
After that display of presidential wit, it was off to a dinner on Sunday to tell a fiercely pro-independence lobbying group exactly what it wanted to hear: Taiwan wants independence. The fact that Chen was addressing the Formosan Association for Public Affairs (FAPA); that he was trying to seem more pro-independence than former president Lee Teng-hui (
Chen's speech "appeared specifically intended to raise hackles in Beijing" (the Guardian). Snort. "Markets plunge on Taipei confrontation" (Deutsche Presse-Agentur). Yawn. "Whoever wants to split away will become a criminal in history" (Chinese Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing (李肇星)). Pffft. "China Slams Taiwan's Independence Talk" (the Age). Zzzzz.
What Beijing and international media fail to appreciate is that Chen is impotent in legislative circles. Full independence? Not gonna happen during Chen's term. And let's look at the other red meat he threw to the FAPA crowd: The nation should have a new constitution (doomed without a three-quarter legislative majority). It should change its official name to "Taiwan" (this requires a change to the Constitution, so forget it). Chen might as well say Taiwan should build a tofu-growing colony on one of Jupiter's moons.
So what can Chen do? Well, go on blithering -- and changing his message depending on the audience, like any zhengke worth his salt. For Washington and international media, it was the "four noes and a not" pledge. For FAPA, it was the "four yesses and a no." For Beijing, its the "four screw yous and a not in this lifetime." And to those who ask how he will improve people's livelihoods, it's the "four not sures and a let me get back to you on that."
But there is something he can do: come up with new names for stuff (or what he insists on calling zhengming (正名), the rectification of names -- way too Confucian for my taste).
And he can move stuff south, where less people hate him. So now we get Taiwan Post instead of Chunghwa Post, and there's Taiwan Taoyuan International Airport (the airport so good they named it twice) instead of CKS International Airport. The China Petroleum Corporation is now CPC Corp, Taiwan (skips off the tongue, doesn't it?) The Fisheries Agency will move to Kaohsiung (sounds more like a move toward confusion than a move toward independence). And Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall will be "Taiwan Democracy Memorial Hall."
I have two problems with the last one. It makes democracy sound like it's been embalmed and entombed. And what's wrong with my idea that predated all of this name-change fuss: the "Johnny Neihu Temple of Fun"? Don't these people realize they need to sell the sizzle, not the steak?
Soon, Chen is going to run out of things to rename. Here's a few suggestions to keep him busy since he has so little to do:
* China Airlines should be renamed "Air A-bian," with all craft bearing Chen's toothy caricature wearing a pomelo hat.
* All references to "China" in government documents should be changed to "Enemyland."
* Chiang Kai-shek's (
* Paint the Presidential Office green and pink and rechristen it "Chen's Pimped-Out Palace of Pleasure" (engraved over the front entrance: Wo zai xiang ni).
* Chen should pull a Prince and rename himself as "The Independence Icon Formerly Known as Chen Shui-bian" and then as an obscure symbol from the Ketagalan tribe: a scythe, say.
* The Sun Yat-sen Memorial Hall has never been the same since Thunder from Down Under, a bunch of Las Vegas-based Aussies with huge pecs and baby oil, flopped around the stage in 2003 to turn on a few thousand lassies hungry for Occidental skin. New name: Sun Yat-sen Stripperama.
* Kaohsiung should have its old name reinstated: Takau, or "beat the dog." Just 'cos it sounds cooler.
Finally, I can't let the week pass without remarking on aspiring Rice-Planter-in-Chief Annette "Who you calling `scum,' scumbag?" Lu, who is demanding apologies from CNN and The Associated Press for using an oft-cited quote from the Chicoms calling her "scum of the nation."
Maybe using that in a headline wasn't such a good call by CNN. But Lu has slogged through enough campaigns to know that for Taiwan's voters -- particularly in the south -- an insult from Beijing is about the best endorsement a pro-Taiwan pol can get.
If anything, she should wear Chicom smears as a badge of honor. The real kiss of death for her longshot bid? An enthusiastic endorsement from A-bian himself.
Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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