What does it take to be a good father? Not an awful lot according to their children. The requests from offspring to their dads on the Fathers Direct Web site are pathetically meager, the gratitude for the smallest paternal deed touching in the extreme.
"Dear dad," writes Charlotte, 11. "Some small things I ask of you: Please come to my school plays and come to parents' evening to see how I'm getting on."
Beth, 10, asks: "Why can't you visit me more often so I can play tennis with you?" And Bella, 11, reflects: "I wait and wait. I don't get a Christmas present or a birthday present. But I know he loves me in his own special way."
To be a Good Father a man has to do little more than show up. He will be forgiven for long absences, forgetfulness or profound selfishness so long as he skims off some pleasant recreational field -- watching football on TV, teaching a boy to bowl, a girl to swim -- and carries it through with reasonable regularity. Bonus points are readily awarded for wrestling, tickling, stupid jokes and a cool car.
Of course there are dads who meet children from school, help with homework, make packed lunches, apply sun cream rather than doss by the pool but they shall be known as Great Fathers.
But a Good Mother, well, who is she? Does she exist? I haven't met a woman who would claim the title. Certainly any mother working full-time would exclude herself straight away. Even the most selfless and energetic mothers I know would be more likely to ask, "Am I good enough?"
Fatherhood, unlike motherhood, is rarely a thankless task: modern dads may be expected to do things their fathers would have found demeaning but they are expert at ensuring their efforts never go unnoticed or underpraised.
Given the plaudits they receive, it is astonishing how many still flunk out. Their own fathers at least had an excuse for being remote or neglectful: there were no government reports documenting the effect of their absence on their children's future exam results, criminal behavior or daughters' ability to trust men.
"All he taught me was how not to be a father," says a friend whose dad refused to turn up for his rugby games because his son was in the second, not first, XV. Another recalls endless waits in his best clothes for paternal visits which somehow never happened.
Families may need fathers, but not all fathers need families. They will never be as satisfied and absorbed as women in the minutiae of parenting. Whereas on Mumsnet every nuance of child rearing is hotly debated, in the Pub chat room on the Fathers Direct Web site only two subjects have more than a few responses: "Why does my partner hate me?" and a desperate man asking when his wife is going to lose all her unattractive baby fat.
But if modern dad is more burdened by the possible consequences of his inaction, at least he is blessed with positive role models.
Fatherhood is hot: think David Beckham and his mini-me trip around Manhattan in matching bling. There is also a new breed of magazine in Dad and the newly-launched FQ (Fathers Quarterly). Both are laden with Dolce & Gabbana and Armani advertising, feature hunky high-achieving fathers in leather jackets, and expensive push chairs made to look as sexy as sports cars.
Fatherhood, to flick through these titles, is one long walk down the shops with a smiling baby peeping out of a Bill Amberg papoose as beautiful women come up and compliment you on the potency of your sperm. Mothers like Madonna and Sadie Frost have been accused of using their babies as accessories, but this is child as penis extension.
If a groovy self-image gets hungover fathers out of bed and down the park on Sunday morning, that is all to the good. But the trouble starts when image collides with reality. A female friend, who had acquired the four-wheel drive and the second home, the two children in private schools, faces divorce because her husband feels family life is not what he had expected: it is tiring, repetitious, confining. He no longer wants to be married, he wants to send the whole lot back to the shop.
Glamorizing fatherhood just makes it seem shallow and disposable. Better to emphasize the profound and serious qualities the best Old Dads brought to home life: a solid moral force, the passing on of skills, the ability to provide children, particularly sons, with an entry point into the adult world. Fatherhood as a baseline running below the maternal melody, always there, always true.
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