Sat, Jul 12, 2014 - Page 18 News List

Johnny Foreigner’s World Cup Odyssey: Nipple clamps, al fresco sex and a Malaysian moron

A handout picture made available by Swedish online sex toy firm Oliver & Eva shows a woman demonstrating a nipple clamp depicting Uruguay forward Luis Suarez in Stockholm, Sweden, on July 1.

Photo: AFP

Scandinavians are tall, good-looking blondes who love winter sports. They are totally relaxed about their bodies and have no problems being naked in company. Other than this they are totally boring and have never done anything of cultural or historical note.

Not my words, but Web site nationalstereotype.com, and it’s in Sweden that we begin this week’s World Cup Odyssey after Agence France-Presse (AFP) reported that online store Oliver & Eva on Wednesday last week unveiled the “[Luis] Suarez nipple clamp” in the form of the player’s head, teeth bared, for just 33 euros (US$45).

Bargain.

“Maybe [Suarez] will be proud to spread a bit of pleasure and love, despite his error on the field,” store director Tobias Lundqvist said in a statement.

According to the Web site, the pressure of the bite can be adjusted “depending on the mood.”

This filth should be banned.

Something that was banned was the sale of flour and shaving foam in Bogota on Friday last week ahead of the quarter-final with hosts Brazil.

Yes, deadly flour and life-threatening shaving foam.

AFP reported that Colombians often celebrate by dousing people in shaving cream or making flour “bombs,” but police were determined to stamp out the practice because it can lead to fights. Alcohol sales were also banned.

As it turned out, celebrating was the last thing on their minds after the 2-1 defeat to the hosts.

Turning to matters of the foul rag and bone shop of the heart, the World Cup semi-finals threatened to produce some split loyalties in the House of Orange, The Associated Press (AP) reported.

Dutch King Willem-Alexander and his wife, Argentine Maxima, were facing some matrimonial tensions on Wednesday when the Netherlands took on Argentina in Sao Paulo.

Doctored images began circulating online as soon as the Netherlands defeated Costa Rica and set up a semi-final with Argentina.

One showed a couple lying in bed, facing away from one another, looking angry. The faces of Willem-Alexander and Maxima had been edited onto the image of marital disharmony.

Sounds familiar.

I’m sure they sorted it out, but Johhny’s no expert on affairs of the heart, far from it. Mrs Foreigner often inquires as to my amorous feelings, but, as British comedian Sean Lock once pointed out, the symptoms of being in love — shortness of breath, light-headedness, inability to concentrate — are exactly the same symptoms as carbon monoxide poisoning.

“I think I love you, but perhaps we should get the water heater serviced just in case,” Johnny usually answers.

The New Zealand Herald reported this week that Brazilian organization Little Street Kisses distributed thousands of pamphlets to visiting fans in Recife last week. The leaflet, which advised them of the rules of engagement with local sex workers, included these gems:

‧ A deal is a deal and she’s a professional. This business has nothing to do with love, no matter how much fun you had.

‧ Sometimes, things just don’t work out. If it happens to you, don’t worry. Keep calm and try again later.

‧ There are no guarantees in this business. If you are unsatisfied, mention it, but keep calm. Never ask for your money back.

‧ Alcohol might make you relax, but might make things more difficult later. Less, in this case, may mean more.

Meanwhile, the flood of foreign fans has been a boon for the single women of Brazil, where a demographic imbalance means they outnumber men by more than 4 million nationwide, AP reported.

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