HUNG HSIU-CHU’S DIARY — SEPT 2015
Wed, Sept. 2
Damn Wang Jin-pyng (王金平), damn the lot of them. I’ve had enough. I hope my Facebook post telling everyone I’m taking a break from this ridiculous circus of a campaign has sent a rocket up Wang’s backside. What’s the point when the party won’t get behind me? And I can’t stand rubbing shoulders with grubby proles all day; I can almost smell the poverty.
Photo: Tseng Wei-Chen, Taipei Times
Thu, Sept. 3
What a day! Had to turn my phone off. Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) and his team of goons has been on my back all day, begging me not to quit. Pathetic, desperate urchins. Nobody had the balls to run except me, but now Ma, Wang and the rest of them are incontinent with rage because they think I might quit the race. And I can’t believe the stupidity of journalists, they make my blood boil. What a fuss over a single Facebook post. Well, I’ve shaken up the party all right! Now they might listen to old Hung for a change.
Sat, Sept. 5
Photo: CNA
Good day today, peace at last. Spent a couple of hours with my adorable giant tortoise Kuei Kuei (龜龜) this evening and gave him fresh pea shoots as a special treat. Sometimes I think I hate people. I’m surrounded by fickle, weak-kneed quislings. The men are the worst; preening, slimy creatures.
Tue, Sept. 8
That witch Tsai, what right does she think she has to gate-crash our Double Ten National Day celebrations? I didn’t let her get away with it though. Asked her to apologize to society for not attending for the last six years. Take that!
Tue, Sept. 15
Disaster. Held a press conference today for those cheerleaders who were attacked by a pack of vicious, brainwashed students for supporting my campaign. It was all going fine until those ungrateful little squirts refused to endorse me! I asked the question seven times, yet the best they could do was to mumble “I support whatever is right.”
What’s wrong with kids these days, why won’t they listen to their elders? What did they think the press conference was for? We gave them a chance to be on TV and what thanks do we get? Reminds me why I never wanted children. Hope I never have to do another press conference like that. If only they were more like Kuei Kuei …
Sat, Sept. 19
Treated myself to some shark fin soup today from my secret supplier! Then relaxed to my favorite music. Is there anything more sublime than Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor? Never fails to express my feelings.
Mon, Sept. 21
The dengue fever down south seems to be getting worse. Can’t those lazy fools get a grip on the situation? Although, I can’t help feeling its just desserts for those un-Chinese southerners. Instead of gassing the mosquitoes, couldn’t we swap the chemicals for something a bit stronger and eradicate a big chunk of the DPP vote? Hwa ha ha ha!
Thu, Sept. 24
Could it get any worse? Another bad press conference today in Changhua. This idiot local legislator refused to turn up. We had to call her during the press conference to pacify the pack of hyenas in the press gallery. But the slippery fish refused to endorse me, saying she supported her “friends” in the party.
WED, Sept. 30
My advisers tell me Wang and his gang of rabid natives are now determined to get rid of me. I’d rather die than give up my candidacy. Darling Kuei Kuei, you’re the only friend I have left. Why does nobody love me?
TSAI ING-WEN’S DIARY — SEPT 2015
Tue, Sept. 1
Oooooo! Tucked into a naughty chocy-pudding, while watching Jamie Oliver’s latest TV show this evening. Yummy. There’s nothing better than a night in with Jamie after a tiring day of campaigning. Is it wrong of me? His big blue eyes are sooooo sexy! And when he whisks cream with those big, strong hands. Oh!
Wed, Sept. 2
Well, I can hardly believe it. The Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) is imploding. My opponent, Hung, appears to have just quit the race. I’m a weak candidate am I, Hung? I don’t think so. I’ve a PhD from the London School of Economics. Nobody out-smarts Tsai.
Sat, Sept. 5
With Hung in self-imposed isolation, the media is all over the KMT at the moment. It seems to me this is the Democratic Progressive Party’s (DPP) election to lose. When I’m president, perhaps I could organize a trip to the UK and meet Jamie! I could cook with him and show him some of my recipes.
Tue, Sept. 8
Great day. Scored a victory with my Double Ten National Day ruse. Totally wrong-footed Wang and the KMT. Watch and learn, you amateurs! I’ve got Hung exactly where I want her.
Thu, Sept. 10
Another long day of campaigning. Tried cooking from Jamie’s recipe for a fruit crumble this evening. Didn’t go well. Jamie says you can get creative with the filling, so I used up some beef and added mango and cheese. Yuck! It was a sweet/savory mess. Even my two cats Tsai Hsiang-hsiang (蔡想想) and A-tsai (阿才) couldn’t stomach it. Jamie, you’ve let me down.
Wed, Sept. 23
Today unveiled my Romantic Highway No. 3 policy. We’re going to link up national defense research institutes along Provincial Highway No. 3 with tea and fruit producers and local artists to create an amazing new tourist region in Taiwan. Who says we don’t have any policies?
Fri Sept. 25
Can’t believe the KMT are questioning our party’s funding arrangements with those 10,000 New Taiwan dollar meal vouchers in Tainan. How else are we supposed to get enough donations to fight the election? Yes, I’ve criticized the KMT in the past for their corrupt practices, but fair’s fair. We want our own bite of the cherry too.
WED, Sept. 30
Bad day. Rumor has it the KMT’s about to oust Hung. What if she’s replaced by Wang? Oh God! We might have a fight on our hands. I’ve called a crisis meeting for tomorrow evening. Oh, hold on: Jamie’s on tomorrow night...
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