'Is chronic a tree?'

Taipei's best American and British comedians, New Yorker Dan Machanik and Hartley Pool, from Hartlepool, share the stage for the first time this weekend. The Taipei Times caught up with them Saturday night at a Japanese restaurant/lounge on Anhe Road, made them drink beer and several pitchers of sake, then asked a few questions. Like their routines, the following excerpts are not suitable for children or the easily offended.

TT: Tell me a joke.

Dan Machanik: What do we look like, a fucking comedian?

Hartley Pool: Why did the police cordon off Hannibal Lecter's toilet?

DM: [Laughs] Why?

HP: Because they thought that might have been where he dumped the bodies.

DM: [Laughs harder] That's not funny.

HP: It's not meant to be funny. It's just meant to be a joke.

TT: What's the most awkward audience experience you've ever had at a show?

DM: I had this girl who I was in love with come to Aspen [a ski resort in Colorado] … . We had this romantic dinner [then] I had to stop and do 20 minutes at this club [of] my usual material. She slept on the couch for the rest of the weekend.

HP: I did this competition in York … . My parents lived 48km away and they turned up … just as I was going on stage. … I'm like, shit. How is [my mom] gonna react to this crap? … My opening joke was: "I was in Thailand, and this cute little thing comes up to me and she goes, [girlish voice] 'You want sucky sucky? [manly voice] Or should I just fuck you up the ass?'"

TT: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

DM: Is chronic a tree?

TT: It's a Barbara Walters question.

DM: That's my answer: Is chronic a tree?

HP: I'd be a sycamore 'cause I'm a hypochondriac.

TT: How close is what we laugh at to what we fear?

DM: I do a lot of jokes about China shooting missiles at Taiwan ... . Fear is a great source of comedy.

HP: I have this sad character [who] comes out and says, [voice of a depressed Yorkshireman] "I haven't got any friends. I was gonna kill meself. I was on top of a building. I was gonna jomp. And the Samaritans turned up and they said, "Hartley! I'm gonna talk you down." And I said, "Right." And he said, "A little bit to the left. Now jomp you miserable bastard!"

DM: I write a lot when I'm scared. ... Comfort and normalcy do not breed humor. Fear and conflict and insecurity and craziness breed humor.

TT: What advice do you have for aspiring comedians?

DM: [Leans into recorder] Go into banking.

HP: My advice for aspiring comedians would be know who you are before you go on stage.

TT: Explain the difference between American and British humor.

HP: One of them likes really short, one-liner jokes and one of them likes stories. You know why my gigs fail? Because I can't remember which is which.

TT: What is irony?

DM: Irony is picking up the hottest girl at a bar and finding out later she's not a girl.

TT: What do you think makes you funny?

DM: Looks aren't everything.

HP: An understanding of my weak-nesses.

DM: I think my answer's better again.

HP: I think you can kiss my ass.

TT: What were you conscious of when you stepped up to the mic for your first show?

HP: My first show was in Budapest ... . My best friend and mentor had convinced me that my poetry was shit and I shouldn't do it straight. I should do it as comedy. ... I spent an hour shitting myself on the toilet downstairs before I went on. [When] I went upstairs … I said, "I can't do this." They said, "Well, you're gonna have to because he's gonna call your name in 30 seconds." I decided that I [would] walk past the stage and not do anything. ... I walked past the stage, and [was] physically pulled … on the stage. … I grabbed the microphone [and] I said, "This is a very avant-garde poem. It's called Clearing. Ah-hem, ah-hem." [Machanik laughs] I swear, if they hadn't laughed at that I would have walked off and never done it again. But the room exploded.