Carmen bares all in this flaccid take on the classic novel

Not since the Sun's legendary George and Lynne cartoon have I seen such uncompromising dedication to softcore smut and the regular, fleeting, exposure of nipples.

This is an adaptation of the 1847 novel of fiery Spanish passion and honor on which Bizet based his mighty opera. And to be brutally frank, Carmen, in the form of Paz Vega -- whose photo should appear in the Oxford English Dictionary next to the word "sultry" -- is forever getting them out.

Director Vicente Aranda is moreover addicted to having his Carmen emerge from post-coitally disordered sheets so that he can cop a lensful of those peachy buttocks, sometimes glowingly illuminated in the flickering firelight of a cave.

Carmen raunchily gets it on astride her obsessed lover Jose (Leonardo Sbaraglia), while some bandits gawk at the action. "They are looking at us," mumbles Jose. "Let them!" declaims Carmen, evidently making a bid for Bewitching Minx of the Year Award.

Finally, Jose finds her in the arms of a bullfighter and lets his rival have both barrels of the shotgun he has brought with him. Ouch! Then Carmen is dragged into church, where she gets to do some page three-style semi-nude tragic writhing in the front of the altar, before tasting cold steel. Most unfortunate.