Now we can't all be thin and beautiful, but we can go a few shades darker before setting off on our holidays. If you don't have any metrosexual genes, think of it as camouflage rather than vanity. You have three choices: a spray tan booth, a self-tanning cream or a sunbed.
A second pre-holiday must for men is a pedicure. This may sound girlie, but our continental cousins have no such qualms. If you're going to don sandals or flip-flops you cannot subject your holiday destination to an unsightly combination of dry skin, blisters, yellowing toenails or foresty foot hair.
Next, there's the little matter of swimwear. Very little in some places: the size of your trunks depends very much on the destination.
If you've chosen Cape Town (winters only), Miami or Mykonos -- anywhere the body beautiful is particularly appreciated -- you need tiny trunks and big pecs. The true holiday poseur will start getting in shape for a summer vacation the preceding September: at least six months will be spent bulking up muscle groups with weight-based exercises while swallowing copious pints of protein shakes.
For less body-conscious resorts, where style rather than size is important, you might opt for something more modest. And there's nothing safer or more pleasant than the bon chic, bon genre's favorite brand, Vilebrequin. These cotton swim shorts, in striking patterns and colors (along with a handy waterproof wallet that slides into the pocket) are a uniform in St Tropez.
Finally, it's time to choose your shades. While aviator sunglasses are back in fashion this summer, they tend to make anyone over the age of 35 look like a retired porn star. If you don't want to look like Jackie O's dad or an extra from The Matrix, go to a proper optician, not the sunglasses stand at the airport. Opticians will make sure you get a good quality lens and are experts at helping you choose a style and size of frame that suits you.
One final tip: it is not chic to travel with large amounts of luggage -- leave that to Elton John and Joan Collins.
Jeremy Langmead is editor-in-chief of `Wallpaper' (`The Observer').
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