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Advice for the love sick after a break up

DPA, MANNHEIM, GERMANY
Sunday, Jan 25, 2004, Page 12

After breaking up with your ex, taking up yoga or another form of exercise is important, as is making sure you eat properly. PHOTO: DPA

The break up of a love relationship can mean sleepless nights, concentration problems, a loss of appetite and even depression. Every individual reacts to such a crisis with different symptoms.

"One cannot expect to function normally in the first phase of a separation," says psychotherapist Doris Wolf, author of a book with tips on how to respond to a break-up.

"Even if you are a person who has kept feelings under control there can be emotions never experienced before," says Wolf, pointing out that men generally react differently than do women.

Men tend to suppress their pain with work, a new relationship or alcohol while women sometimes fall into depression, fear of the future or feelings of guilt. But in contrast to men women often have a best friend who can listen, give comfort or advice.

And that, says Wolf, is important because anger, sadness and frustration need expression. Psychologist Dorothea Boehm from Munich gives the advice to avoid idealizing the ex-partner and to hang onto memories of better days.

"Avoid displaying pictures of yourself and the ex, a favorite restaurant which you visited together or music that you both enjoyed," she says.

Even plans to stay "good friends" normally doesn't last because one partner might always nurture the hope to restart the relationship. Boehm says this could also prevent new experiences, and disappointment is inevitable.

Much more meaningful is keeping a diary with a section for the negatives.

"Writing things down creates a distance to the experience and that is important," says psychologist Gina Kaestele who offers seminars on overcoming the break up of a relationship.

Creating a separation ritual could also be important, Kaestele says, pointing out however that each individual should find her or his own method. While one person might write a letter that is never sent another might prefer a drawing or mental exercise.

A way of dealing with extreme anger can be doing unusual things like throwing a raw egg into the bathtub, Kaestele recommends.

Even the cleaning up afterwards can be meaningful because a separation not only affects the soul but also the body which is under extreme tension, Wolf explains. This can only be reduced by exercise like cycling, jogging, digging up the garden and cleaning work.

Nutrition is extremely important during this phase. "Even if you don't have an appetite you should at least take vitamins, fruit juices and joghurt. If you don't look after your body now you create even more stress for yourself,"?Wolf says.

The experts also recommend doing things that are fun. "During the initial stage it might even be necessary to create an activity plan," Doris Wolf says.

Boehm recommends avoiding "what could have been" questions and to focus on the possibilities created by the new situation.

"Suddenly you might realize there is no longer anybody to inhibit you, nagging you and that you no longer have to fear making a mistake," Boehm says. "Something in the relationship was wrong otherwise it would not have failed."

Instead of withdrawing into a closet you should focus on the future and the chances created by a new start.

"It makes no sense placing the blame on somebody else and to fall into self pity," Boehm says. "The responsibility now lies with you to change things."
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