Men and women are worlds apart in dealing with typical relationship problems, but often have the same needs when it comes to feelings, according to psychologists.
Most people think women would like more intimacy and men more freedom in their relationships. But this is not true, they say.
However, there is often disagreement between the sexes on how to achieve intimacy. While women want to talk, men are generally in favor of undertaking a common activity. Going clubbing for instance, or traveling together -- or even mountain climbing.
PHOTO: DPA
"Men often have the impression that women want too much from them, too much time, too much attention, too many discussions," says German psychologist and marriage adviser Stefan Schanze.
"For men intimacy comes from doing things together like going on a bicycle tour."
Not that women are against a spot of cycling -- there might, after all, be a chance to talk,?says Schanze.
One problem, he says, is that women all too seldom talk about their expectations from the partner.
"Yet they must do so if they want changes in their relationship. Most men, to put it blandly, are already satisfied if they have a woman," Schanze says.
What then is real intimacy in a loving relationship?
"Under intimacy most people see trust, a deep understanding and connection," says Ina Grau, a psychologist at the faculty of sociology of the University of Bielefeld.
Grau says people seldom find that they have too much intimacy; mostly behavior is the problem.
Grau says there are two groups of couples: The first, where both partners have the same intimacy needs so that "there is no problem between them over proximity and individual privacy"; the second, where one partner demands more intimacy leading to the other "withdrawing more and more."
Women often want to be seen more in public with their partner, men on the other hand find their autonomy being restricted.
Roles can very easily become fixed. "You only need one of the two partners being more in love than the other,"?Grau says.
Cornelia Gloger, a psychologist at the Munich Ludwig-Maximilian University who has researched marriages, believes a feeling of "closeness" is one of the keys to a lasting relationship.
She asked 663 couples between the ages of 25 and 82 on their views of intimacy and privacy.
Gloger said 81.9 per cent of the couples described their relationship as close and that it had become closer. Six per cent described their relationship as distanced while 12.1 per cent of couples had different views on their relationship.
"If at least one in the relationship described it as "close" we found it had a positive balancing effect on the relationship," said Gloger.
The psychologist said she was surprised that both men and women in retrospect saw closeness in the relationship as equally important.
"The daily dispute between independence and doing something in common fades behind the memory of having experienced highs and lows in the relationship, which brought the couple closer together," she says.
Psychologist Manfred Soeder, a marriage and family therapist and scientific researcher at the Institute for Experimental Psychology of the University of Dusseldorf, argues that "only partners that see each other's differences recognize what their partnership is really worth."
Changes in the partnership, he says, trigger fears at first but "change is necessary in order for a relationship to stay alive."
Soeder says that in his therapy concept he tries to find out how the needs of both partners have developed and how these can best be fulfilled.
Soeder finds that especially young couples speak of "too much proximity" once the sexual passion is over. But the quality of a relationship cannot be measured by this one aspect.
Three factors contribute to a long-term relationship, he says. Firstly passion, including sexual desire and the overcoming of a common crisis; secondly, common obligations such as responsibility for a house or apartment; thirdly, intimacy and trust.
"One way of stimulating desire is to talk over fantasies," says Soeder, "but in love it is virtually impossible to have
everything at the same time."
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