Johnny Neihu's Mailbag

Sat, Aug 11, 2007 - Page 8

Grooming on the MRT

Dear Johnny,

What's up with having about a thousand people on each MRT train and virtually no one talking to each other?

Do they all have some bone to pick with each other, or is it that they're so shy and that they just love each other so much that they have nothing bad to say to anyone, and so two or more people who speak perfect Chinese and, probably, Taiwanese will sit together for many minutes at a time and not say a single word to each other?

And hot girls choosing ugly guys as their boyfriends: Is this a new trend? I see it everywhere these days.

Steve

Beitou, Taipei City

Johnny replies: Can I assume that because you are complaining about all the ugly guys getting hot girls that you yourself are a rampaging, studly spunkbucket -- and therefore single?

How about getting onto a crowded MRT train and showing your ugly side?

Distort your face, mess up your hair, lean to one side ungracefully and wear terrible clothes.

Talk with a sneer and put on a vacant expression every now and then.

Belch every few minutes, pick your nose, fling the snot at the MRT system map on the wall and scratch that fungal condition that's been tormenting your groin all summer.

And be sure to loudly opine that you take a shower whenever you feel like it -- roughly once every three weeks.

After all that, and even on those MRT rides that resemble some kind of elongated meditation room, you should find that hot girls will be flying at you from each and every direction.