Johnny Neihu's Mailbag

A deportee and a whiter-than-white collar worker get all hot under the collar about Johnny's columns. Dr Neihu's prescription: Empathy therapy and a course on Taiwanese political economy for dummies

Sat, Jun 16, 2007 - Page 8

Jeff doth winch too much

Dear Johnny,

Just read your recent column ("Better to be juiced up than hard up," June 9, page 8). It is nice to see that you do not revert to the partisan politicking done by pro-blue rags.

Yeah right.

Don't fret though; hypocrisy seems to suit most of the press correspondents on this island.

By the way, a KMT victory in 2008 would strengthen the economy and perhaps bolster the meager wages you are winching [sic] about.

Jeff Hurren

Johnny replies: You imply that I'm a ... a ... press correspondent! Now really, that's just too much.

As head of research for Jones Lang LaSalle in Taiwan, I'm sure you would know a thing or two about looking up archives. Then again, you seem to have read only my last column, so maybe you don't. Here are some clues for you: Read my entries for March 10, March 31 and April 28 this year and Aug. 5 last year, then tell me what pocket dictionary you used to look up "hypocrisy."

You may not represent your company in the media, Jeff, but when you write in company time using the company e-mail address to a newspaper columnist without requesting anonymity, you may reflect what your part (at least) of the company thinks: A KMT president would be the best thing for Taiwan since Koxinga (鄭成功) plundered the hinterland.

That's fine. It wouldn't be the only one. And I've read the Jones Lang LaSalle Code of Business Ethics and there ain't nothin' that forbids you from giving support to political parties, even ones as malicious as the KMT. Hell, you can donate to them if you like.

But how can you be so naive as to think that a stronger economy and higher wages in the lower brackets are bed partners, given that the Democratic Progressive Party government and pro-KMT business interests have blocked them for many years, despite constant growth?

One thing is certain: In the current environment a KMT victory wouldn't do shit for the wages of lowly media workers, no matter who they barrack for. I can't speak for property developers/investment managers on a fat expat package.

Twat therapy

Dear Johnny,

Premier league (major league) twat you are.

I bet you will be on the first plane out when the crap hits the fan.

I have a good understanding of your type -- I lived in Taiwan for 14 years, 'til i left, voluntarily, but I was six years overdue on the visa front anyway.

Keep it up. Help them take it deeper into the swamp.

Funny how an English man banned from the country loves it more than the ones who profess to love it so.

Kev Lax

PS: My impressions after being away for three years? Taiwan is a small province of China, only important in the eyes of those who live there 'cos they don't know how the world has changed.

Johnny replies: Taiwan misses you, Kev. But readers distraught by Mr Lax's removal should not despair, because his translations for various publications live on in his absence.

Take some advice from old Johnny, buddy. Get some therapy -- preferably Rogerian. That way, you can say and do whatever you like and you won't be challenged. Here's a sample transcript:

Kev: "All those translations, all those years I worked my arse off, all those government connections, and what happens? The Harry Hoofters declare me persona non grata. So when I think about spending six years of my life on the run in that slagheap, I want to piss in the face of the first Taiwanese tosser I see."

Rogerian therapist: "So, you'd like to piss in the face of the first Taiwanese tosser you see."

Kev: "And thinking about those ugly old expats still getting laid with all them slinky slappers makes me wanna punch the shite out of them."

Therapist: "So, you'd like to punch the, er ... `shite' ... out of them."

Kev: "Oi you twat, you making fun of how I talk?"

Therapist: "So, you're angry about me making fun of how you -- "

[Kev floors Therapist with a right hook, then starts stomping on his head.]

Kev: Sod off, you pillock! Toe-rag batty boy! Turd-burgling prat!

Therapist: "So, you're cursing me and stomping on my head."