Action status: Look, I don’t know about you, but I’m terrified of snakes and wasps and, really, is it necessary to stay up in the mountains for so long? Last time I went up to Alishan (阿里山) it rained for two weeks straight. You try defending your country when your socks are soaking wet and you’ve stubbed your toes on paved trails.
Resistance mode: Weapons collection and distribution
Description: In the event of invasion, pro-China elements in Taiwan’s military will secure or destroy the nation’s weapons. It is therefore essential to establish a chain of supply from military sources first. Weapons so obtained should be stored in smaller numbers in various locations to ensure that a single raid, for example, does not compromise overall operations. Note: It is inappropriate for weapons to be sourced from militants in the Philippines for political reasons (must keep Washington on side).
Action status: Just where are these precious weapons going to be stored? My garage is full of boxes for computers and other stuff and I just haven’t had the chance to clean it out. And I’m telling you, I’m very busy right now. Isn’t there some other way of working it out with those PLA fellows? I was just telling my Filipina caregiver the other day that all cross-strait tensions need is a good bit of arm-waving and a few sharp words and all will be fine.
Resistance mode: Empowerment through resource dispersal and regrouping
Description: In case of invasion, locate promising real estate in suburbs of US cities on the cusp of gentrification. Purchase two properties, one for residential purposes and the other rental. Relocate family to the area and install kids in superior schools. Protest outside Chinese consulates on weekends if weather and social schedule allow. Attend children’s sports events to infiltrate US middle class and learn psych-ops techniques from soccer moms. Secure weapons from local gun stores and store in neighbors’ houses to avoid suspicion (also prevents kids from hurting themselves). Donate money to conservative think tanks with no sense of humor. Stay away from Chinese and restrict dining in Cantonese restaurants to Chinese New Year and the Mid-Autumn Festival. Acquire US citizenship, enter Congress, get elected President of the United States, expel the Chicoms from the homeland, restore democracy, establish Republic of Taiwan. If last targets cannot be reached, buy more investment properties instead.
Action status: That’s more like it. Devote all time and resources to this option with immediate effect.
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