For Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九), being president means always having to say you’re sorry.
This past week has seen Ma and his entourage tour disaster-hit areas to engage in ritual acts of contrition before a seemingly endless number of town halls packed with zaimin (災民, disaster zone victims).
They’ve pretty much got the routine down now: (1) Appear contrite and mumble something about your “deepest regrets.” (2) Execute a group bow of 90 degrees, sufficient for the zaimin to note the thinning hair on your pate, or, if you are Yao Yao (瑤瑤), to blind the zaimin with your cleavage. (3) Hold position for 10 seconds. (4) Conclude with a hearty “Taiwan, jiayou!” (5) Drive to next zaimin town hall. (6) Repeat.
It took a while for Ma and his cronies to get coordinated on Step 2, with TV commentators at first criticizing their group bows as being just as disorganized as their typhoon response.
But after much practice, their moves are looking as polished as F4 — without the gravity-defying spiked hairdos.
I think they’re ready for one of those Chaoji Xingguang Dadao (One Million Star) shows, where a panel of Simon Cowell-wannabes can coach them on the finer points of their apology ditties wherever there’s room for improvement.
But don’t invite Control Yuan President Wang Chien-shien (王建煊). As far as he’s concerned, the “apology shuffle” is about as tired as the Macarena (“It’s so last week,” he was overheard saying, except not in those exact words).
Meanwhile, Cabinet member resignations are coming so thick and fast it’s almost like these guys can’t wait to get out of the government. Oh, wait … they probably can’t.
Yes, it’s the trend du jour — all the cool kids are quitting.
The resignation train includes Vice Minister of Foreign Affairs Andrew Hsia (夏立言), Cabinet Secretary-General Hsueh Hsiang-chuan (薛香川, widely panned for attending a lavish Father’s Day blow-out the day the typhoon hit instead of, oh I don’t know, monitoring the situation) and Minister of National Defense Chen Chao-min (陳肇敏).
The foreign minister reportedly also offered to resign, but the ministry later rebutted that. In reality, he’s probably humming to himself that other golden oldie, Should I Stay or Should I Go.
But the musical chairs will have to wait another week or two, insists Ma, until after the typhoon relief efforts have wound down.
In other news, Reuters reported on a coming-of-age ceremony in Tainan, where 16-year-olds crawl around under an altar to symbolize their passage to adulthood. Then everyone stuffs themselves at a banquet.
Here’s the money quote from a local official on the significance of the rite: “It means they’ve grown up, they’re like trees and can’t be blown away by a windstorm,” said Fu Pei-ying, standing director of the city’s culture exchange association.
As my American colleagues would say, “Hello-ooo?” Did old Pei-ying not notice the recent typhoon?
Forget trees being blown down — Morakot toppled a six-story hotel and busted concrete bridges islandwide.
But anyway. No fear: After bungling the response to one crisis, the Ma administration has a golden opportunity to redeem itself by taking strong, swift and resolute action on the next ones: A(H1N1), or swine flu.
So what are they doing? Reported our very own rag:
“The Presidential Office said yesterday that President Ma Ying-jeou has decided for the moment not to activate the national security mechanism in response to the growing threat of an (A)H1N1, or swine flu, epidemic.
“Presidential Office Spokesman Wang Yu-chi (王郁琦) said that Ma had discussed the matter with Premier Liu Chao-shiuan (劉兆玄), who had asked epidemic prevention experts to assess the situation and make recommendations, Wang said.
“Wang said ... he did not know how long it would take the Executive Yuan to finish the study and make the recommendation.”
Great Scott. The very gang of clowns responsible for dropping the ball with the typhoon now appears to be slinking back for overtime with swine flu.
Would someone do the country a favor, get the old vaudeville “hook” out and yank these guys off the stage?
Forget responding to a genuine disaster; these guys couldn’t respond to a toilet crisis in their own homes. Just imagine:
Ma daughter No. 1: (runs into the living room in a panic) Dad, the toilet’s all clogged up. I don’t know what to do!
Ma: (remains seated, reads the paper) Calm down, dear, I’m sure it’s not that serious. Mr Premier, can you handle this?
(Exeunt Premier Liu, grumbling, and Ma daughter No. 1).
Ma daughter No. 2: (runs in, also panicked) Dad, it still won’t flush! And now there’s turds floating around on top. It’s, like, totally gross!
Ma: (doesn’t look up, still reads the paper) That’s alright dear, just fetch me the manual that came with the commode.
Ma daughter No. 1: (runs in, out of breath) Dad, the premier says he doesn’t know what to do!
Ma: (still reading his paper) Ask him if he’s jiggled the handle.
Ma daughter No. 1: (shouts into the bathroom) Dad says to ask you if you’ve jiggled the handle! (Pause. To Ma) Dad, he says he tried that.
Ma: (annoyed) Well, has he used the plunger?
Ma daughter No. 1: (shouts into bathroom) Dad says “Did you use the plunger?” (Pause. To Ma) He says he doesn’t know where it is.
Ma: (more annoyed now) Well, darn it, tell him he may just have to use his bare hands and—
Ma daughter No. 2: (runs in, interrupting) Dad, I can’t find the toilet manual, what should we — oh my God!
(Feces-laden water inundates Ma household as curtain falls).
At least Ma’s team has retained some shred of political sense: They grudgingly approved a visit by Tibetan spiritual leader the Dalai Lama to visit typhoon-hit areas. Someone on Ma’s staff must have politely reminded him that his party will, after all, be held accountable by voters in just over three months’ time.
The Democratic Progressive Party (DPP), which is tight with the exiled Tibetan community in India, must be delighted to drive a wedge between Ma and the Chicoms, who get their dyed-red undies in a bunch at the mere mention of this “separatist.”
You can almost hear the DPP politicians down south singing their own take on a classic tune:
Well, hello Dalai
Well, hello Dalai
It’s so nice to have you
back where you belong.
But forget the Lama. For those who worship at the altar of Mammon — which includes most of us Taiwanese — a much more important spiritual guest has graced the island with his presence: China Mobile chairman Wang Jianzhou (王建宙).
Yes, the God of Fortune has indeed smiled on Taiwan’s telecoms moguls by sending his blessed emissary — he of the world-beating 500 million mobile subscribers — to make the rounds. Who cares about a few thousand zaimin in southern Taiwan when millions more Chinese are still without a cheap, wireless-enabled cellphone?
Talk about a disaster.
Never fear: Far EasTone Communications is ready to team up with the Chicom telecoms giant to correct the tragic lack of 3G, “e-reading”, soap-opera-downloading handhelds among China’s vast population of ruddy bumpkins. In return, all China Mobile is asking for is a juicy 12 percent stake in the firm.
Sure, Taiwan’s regulations prohibit Chinese stakes in our sensitive telecoms sector.
But after the beneficent one’s (er, Wang’s) audience with the cconomics minister, look for a quiet reversal of that policy in a few months time — when the link with wining and dining Wang ain’t so obvious.
Then, shall ye know, the God of Fortune truly does work in mysterious ways.
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