Now, fast forward a few years.
CCTV Taiwan Evening News
Bulletin for Jan. 21, 2017
Newsreader: “Taiwan Province Regional Administrator in Perpetuity Ma Ying-jeou today expressed surprise at news that employees of Yunnan Province’s Chuandian Pharmaceutical Company (Bear Bile Division) discovered what appeared to be a new Aboriginal tribe deep in the mountains of Kaohsiung County while hunting for Taiwan black pandas.
“Upon torturing the unkempt natives to discover the whereabouts of the remaining creatures — known as Formosan black bears until the glorious mission of reunification was completed last year — it turned out that the emaciated, dark-skinned barbarians were survivors of Typhoon Morakot. They had been living off the land since all road access to the outside world was washed away when the typhoon struck the island eight years ago.
“It was the chaos and devastation caused by Morakot in 2009 that finally convinced the then-renegade administration of Taiwan to realize the futility of maintaining its faux independent status and enter into negotiations with former chairman Comrade Hu Jintao (胡錦濤) soon after.
“Commenting on the matter, Regional Administrator Ma said, ‘Oh, I remember Morakot. It was my finest hour. We rescued thousands of stranded people. Except for the hundreds that died. Those poor folks must not have wanted to be rescued.’”
As for me, I used to view Ma as an anal retentive in the wrong line of work.
Following his awkward, emotionless attempts to console victims last week and this week, however, whenever I see him my mind conjures up a cross between Homer Simpson and a sexually repressed product of the British public school system.
When is someone going to tell Ma that it doesn’t matter whether you wear a “Taiwan” cap or not — it’s what’s underneath it that counts.
Staying on the schoolboy theme, some of the lame excuses being bandied about by officials for their dereliction of duty were so incredibly unbelievable that fifth graders would have been proud of them.
Just in case you missed them, I have compiled a Morakot Excuse Hall of Shame.
First, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs’ justification for refusing foreign aid. Former deputy minister of foreign affairs Andrew Hsia (夏立言): “Teacher, I forgot to include the word ‘temporarily.’”
Next, Ma’s excuse for not starting the rescue effort earlier. Ma: “Teacher, it was raining and we didn’t want to get wet.”
The premier’s excuse for taking time out on Tuesday, Aug. 11, to have a haircut and dye? Ma again: “But Teacher, it was a regular appointment.”
Soon-to-be-former Cabinet Secretary-General Hsueh Hsiang-chuan’s (薛香川) excuse for going out for an expensive meal on Aug. 8 while people were being buried under landslides and washed away? Hsueh: “Teacher, it was Father’s Day.”
Compare these with the most credible excuse of the week. Florida resident Keith Griffin, when asked in court if he was guilty of downloading kiddie porn, said: “My cat did it.”
Got something to tell Johnny? Get it off your chest: Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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