Old Johnny was rather surprised last week after it was revealed by Australia’s Age newspaper that Aussie Prime Minister Kevin “Bloody” Rudd accepted a free flight in 2005 from a good buddy of our former independence-seeking, hunger-striking, silence-vowing, (alleged) embezzler-in-chief Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁).
The article speculated that the cash for the flight might even have come from the “state affairs fund” that Chen is about to be banged up for “embezzling,” as it has been alleged in the past that the businessman in question, Kung Chin-yuan (龔金源), once received a large handout from the fund to further Taiwan’s diplomatic efforts with our Antipodean amigos.
But, if you ask me, the most bizarre aspect of this story was the fact that Rudd’s freebie was a business-class flight to London, where he met then-British foreign secretary Jack Straw, a man so unbelievably dull he makes Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) honorary China shill Lien Chan (連戰) look like Austin Powers.
I mean, if you’re going to accept an all-expenses junket from a rich benefactor, you could at least make sure it’s to somewhere worthwhile like Las Vegas or Bali (that’s Bali, Indonesia — not Bali (八里), Taipei County) and throw in a few showgirls for entertainment.
Kung also donated a pot-full of cash to Rudd’s Australian Labor Party (federal and state), Aussie political records show.
Whether the money was intended to curry favor with the Aussies or not, we might as well have flushed the cash straight down the dunny. After all, what has Taiwan ever gotten from those Aussie bludgers apart from grief over our dollar diplomacy in the South Pacific?
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
As far as I can remember, the only thing Australia has contributed to Taiwan’s cause in recent years is a handful of mangy, disease-ridden koalas. And even then, they seem to have given us the lazy ones. Each time I’ve been to Taipei Zoo, sleep seems to be all the little furballs can do to stop themselves from falling off their artificial stumps. And when they’re not doing that, hardly a week goes by without one actually falling off its stump for real after dying of cancer or some other ailment.
On second thought, that might have something to do with decamping the poor blighters to Taipei, which is hardly on a par with their pristine natural habitat in the eucalyptus groves of the Great Southern Land.
So, I would swear by all that is holy that the zoo replaced all its koalas with stuffed replicas a few years ago to help fund the arrival of the pandas and save on the cost of importing eucalyptus leaves.
I’d better quit while I’m ahead. Regular readers of this humble publication will be all too aware that Taipei Zoo officials are required to have a sense-of-humor transplant before commencing employment.
What else is there to thank our Aussie mates for? The Outback steakhouse?
What a con that place is. Take 100 percent, fair dinkum American food, inject Aussie words in the titles of dishes, such as “Brisbane Caesar Salad,” “Alice Springs Chicken” and the “Mad Max Burger” and everyone thinks they’re eating authentic Aussie tucker. What a joke!
(Note: Before any of my more astute readers write in, I am fully aware that Outback is a US restaurant chain, but you try finding enough material to write this column once a week. American it may be, but it’s guilty by association.)
And when those bloody descendants of convicts finally have the chance to do the right thing by us Taiwanese, like picking the lovely and extremely popular Clare Wang (王秀毓), who was far and away the best candidate in the final of the recent “Best Job in the World” competition, they go and pick a jobless bum from the Old Dart, of all places. Talk about being unable to break your colonial bonds.
What a bunch of flaming galahs!
Anyway, back to Rudd.
Most people who study Mandarin in Taiwan, as Kev did back in the late 1970s and early 1980s, develop a soft spot for the place: its people, its freedom, its democracy and … its hot chicks.
But I suppose Kev did study here back when the Chiang dynasty was still in power and a mention of democracy was enough to get one locked up, so with those times ingrained in his memory he probably wouldn’t want to come back.
Since then, to make things worse, Rudd got his inside dope and global perspective on Taiwan from “a few mates” in Beijing.
Check out the top-to-bottom session of Chinese ass-kissing that Rudd indulges in during this interview with Geraldine Doogue on the Australian Broadcasting Corporation radio show Sunday Profile in 2004, when Rudd was the shadow foreign minister: www.abc.net.au/sundayprofile/stories/s1154754.htm.
It’s a Henry Kissinger-worthy repudiation of defending a democracy — nauseating stuff from a man who’s never had a missile shoved up his “arse” crack.
Want some? You’d better prepare a bucket.
Rudd says the “vibrancy” of Taiwan’s democracy is a “challenge” and two presidential election victories by the “Democratic Progress [sic] Party” (DPP) are something that the Australian government must “confront.”
Oh, and Chen Shui-bian back when he was mayor was “a very interesting DPP politician on the make.” Holy sh— ... did Kev know something?
Forget drawing a line in the sand when it comes to Chinese militarism; Kev was much more adept at accepting free flights whenever and from whoever he could get them, including Chen’s men.
With such rhetorical finesse, who can blame Rudd for talking down at Taiwan like we were a bunch of unemployed Kiwi interlopers?
Still, admit it: We’ve all been tempted by the odd freebie at one time or another. I remember a few years ago when Great Uncle Neihu accepted a free biandang and coach trip to a political rally from our local village chief and was just about to vote for the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) until I explained to the senile old bugger who exactly Lien Chan was.
Speaking of that cherished friend of democracy, I see he was back in his “motherland” again this week. It must be comforting for Lien to visit China because it’s always nice to go somewhere where you’re popular.
Well, I have a suggestion for old double-presidential-election loser Lien that would make him eternally popular in Taiwan: Don’t come back.
But I shouldn’t be too cruel on the old geezer. After all, he did win one election — the 2001 KMT chairmanship election — and with 93 percent of the vote, to boot. It’s just a shame there was no other candidate.
Matching Lien’s feat last week as he fought off all competition to secure victory in the KMT chairmanship poll was our very own capitulator-in-chief, Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九). Then again, Ma’s latest victory was never in doubt: He had fresh experience of uncontested elections from last year against Mr No Campaign Frank Hsieh (謝長廷) and knew exactly what to do.
One other notable thing about Ma’s win was that the first and probably only person to congratulate Ma on his victory was that other champion of free and fair elections, Big Red Hu Jintao (胡錦濤), who exchanged congratulatory love letters with Ma.
You see, Hu couldn’t help but think Taiwan was making electoral progress, so he let Ma know that he was expecting more of the same in 2012.
Got something to tell Johnny? Get it off your chest: Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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