Desperate officials were even reported to be press-ganging schoolkids into attending the Games in exchange for extra marks, which triggered complaints from parents.
What next? Will Kaohsiung Mayor Chen Chu (陳菊) issue a decree banning scooters from the city center on days ending with a “Y” to make sure visitors get a good impression of the city? Or maybe she’ll order betel nut girls to wear full-length smocks and ban ships from the harbor.
Concerned that too many unknown sports could result in empty stadiums and make Taiwan look like a nation of sports-hating KTV couch potatoes (perish the thought), I suggest we modify several of the events to give them a more local flavor. It would certainly help to sell more tickets.
1. Squash
This is all the rage at the moment. Try to cram as many people as you can into a carriage of the newly opened MRT Neihu Line (be sure to include at least two people in wheelchairs) and see if it can travel one stop without breaking down.
2. Fin swimming
Because Kaohsiung is a fishing hub, we should substitute the resin monofins usually used by competitors for real fins freshly sliced off a willing shark. It may turn the pool into a big, bloody mess as they get soggy and clotted, but all officials have to do is wait for the races to finish, heat up the pool, add some crab meat, a few spices, bring it to the boil and serve at the nearest wedding banquet.
3. Sumo
A portly xiaojie and her rotund rival battle it out at the side of a night market yansuji stand while arguing over who gets the last portion of sweet potato wedges.
4. Aerobic gymnastics
Actually, I’m not even sure what this sport involves, but for the Taiwanese version we need a bunch of retired female civil servants, a sprinkling of weight-concerned 30-something office ladies and a battery-operated cassette player in the nearest park at dusk. Jiggle that ass to wholly inappropriate techno for bonus points.
5. Lifesaving
In a tribute to the legions of voluntary weekend lifeguards who like to show off their tanned Taiwan Beer bellies in revealing Baywatch-red speedos, there will be two events.
(a) The 100m lunchbox dash
Competitors sit around in a big group talking to friends and family while paying no attention whatsoever to the swimmers. The starter shouts chifan o! and competitors sprint to the lunchbox before wolfing it down in record speed. The first to finish the food and hurl the container into a designated no litter zone wins.
(b) The dinghy obstacle course
Competitors take their friends for a ride in the club’s dinghy over a 200m course while trying to avoid taking out swimmers.
6. Tug-of-war
To increase genuine audience participation, split everyone into two teams, give them one very, very long rope and shout “Pull!”
But we will have to try not to lose any arms this time around.
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