Like the winner of the recent “The Best Job in the World” contest, they can maintain a blog extolling Palau’s natural beauty — its glistening sand beaches, underwater wonderland, coral riches, spectacular vistas, friendly and unassuming people and modest tax haven status.
Then, when the tourists do show up, they can join the “Guided Uighur Tour of Palau.”
Participants will have a chance to shoot coconuts out of the trees with an assault rifle; hunt for Palauan native fauna using improvised explosive devices; join beachside Koran readings (refreshments served, Shirley Temples only) and get a snorkeling tour.
(Sample dialogue. Tourist: “So, like, what are we gonna see today, dude?” Uighur: “God willing, we will at last spot the elusive albino Tigerfish.”)
But if the Uighurs don’t adjust well to Palau’s tropical paradise, Taiwan should step up to the plate and take them in. We’re supposed to be allies, after all.
And I know the perfect place for them: Penghu.
1. Be a Penghu attraction
The island chain is gearing up to be the Vegas of the Taiwan Strait. That means casino entertainment a la Siegfried and Roy (pre-tiger-mauling).
I’ve got just the show: “Uighurs Wobble But Don’t Fall Down,” in which the 17 gregarious Gitmo gladiators perform amazing routines on bicycles while juggling hand grenades and Molotov cocktails and singing traditional Uighur folk songs. Wu’er Kaixi (吾爾開希) will MC (the poor fellow needs something to do to keep his mind off being refused entry to China).
2. Draft ’em into the Taiwanese army
When you think about it, we could use a few good men with a healthy antipathy for China and anything remotely resembling combat experience. Hell, just walking through a wasteland passes muster, if you ask me.
3. Give ’em their own TV variety show
The potential here is limitless. Have the chaps put on an all-singing, all-dancing, all-devout entertainment spectacular. If the casino gets voted down by the good people of Penghu, they can recycle their cabaret routines on cable.
I’ve long wondered why it is that so many of our variety shows on TV use a laugh track and fake audience noises — not because the producers can’t be bothered to get audiences into the studio, but because the audiences that do come are about as animated as an urn of ashes.
Our Uighur friends can turn this bit of Taiwanese cultural entropy on its head. Genuine audience participation could include role-playing Gitmo guard beatings and waterboarding using sprays of perfume instead of water (“Hao xiang o!” squeals the audience member as she wipes the fake Chanel No. 5 off her chin).
Then the hosts could ring up Chinese police in Urumqi and yank their nasty little chains, Crank Yankers-style, before finishing them off with 30 seconds of withering abuse and sarcasm.
Hell, I’d pay for a cable subscription just to see that.
And if all else fails?
4. Rejoin the proletariat
I hear MosBurger is hiring. Veggie lamb kebab, anyone?
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