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Johnny Neihu's Mailbag

Circles of praise

Dear Johnny,

My question to you is basically this: Exactly who are you?

I can only assume that you are nimen, the plural form of the second person Chinese pronoun.

Am I right or wrong, may I ask? Of course, I realize that — as is practically everything in Taiwan — this may be a somewhat, shall we say, “sensitive” matter. You might not want to divulge this sort of information. And I will understand and accept this.

But I assume that the Johnny Neihu column is the collective effort of a well-read and articulate group of people. I would be extremely surprised if the column was the effort of a single person.

Whoever you are, the breadth and depth of your knowledge amazes and stupefies me. I hardly know where to begin.

In regard to sociopolitical satire, you make Jonathan Swift seem like an amateur. And I’m not being sarcastic. Your rapier-like wit makes A Modest Proposal pale in comparison.

Your allusion to “circles of Hell” shows that you have read Dante’s Inferno. How many people have read that? And I don’t intend to limit this question to people in Taiwan. The fact is, only a small number of people in the world have bothered to read the Divine Comedy. I wonder if you have read — and if we can expect allusions to — the Purgatory and Paradise sections? And why stop with Dante? Perhaps you might consider giving Verlaine, Rimbaud and Baudelaire their due.

Moreover, you know legal terms such as “pro bono.” And you know about the 1936 Olympics in Berlin and about the notorious film tribute to them, Olympia.

And you have a thorough knowledge of Taiwanese society and culture — lameidian, for example.

I think it is impossible for an individual to have such a stupendous breadth of knowledge.

Since I am asking this question, I suppose it only fair to tell you a little bit about myself. I am presently living in America, but I spent some 16 years on Ilha Formosa. I was an associate professor at Shih Chien University in Kaohsiung County. Most unfortunately, I became very ill, so ill that I had to resign from my post and return to America. I miss Taiwan very, very much.

Most of all, I miss my students at Shih Chien University, whom I love with all my heart, as if they were my own children. When I left Taiwan, I also left my heart behind.

I love my students and I love Taiwan! The lamei and the taike, the Hakka, the Hoklo and the Aboriginals. And I say: To hell with oppression and tyranny. Long live a free and democratic Taiwan where everyone can voice their opinion without fear!

Let all Taiwanese — whether they be “greens” or “blues” — unite and view themselves as one nation. To hell with ethnic animosity and mistrust. All Taiwanese — no matter where their ancestors come from and when they arrived — share a common destiny.

The sovereignty of Taiwan must remain with Taiwan’s people. May they unite in order to form a more perfect Union. Taiwan jiayou!

Michael Scanlon

Johnny replies: My readers could be forgiven for thinking that I wrote this letter and sent it to myself in an act of onanistic madness. But it is real, and apologies to those who loathe extended praise. My many enemies should feel free to write me and provide some balance.

Michael, as far as my identity is concerned, it’s all in the column, but if you want another clue, dig out your old vinyl collection and pick out the Kiss album from 1980 called Unmasked. The punchline in the comic strip on the cover holds the answer — not that anyone could be expected to be interested in the question to begin with.

And yes, I’ve read Dante’s Inferno (in Chinese translation, naturally), but who hasn’t?

Hey, I’ve even seen Dante’s Peak.

By the way, there is a Formosan “connection” in Swift’s work (I reject your comparison outright, as kind as it is). Deliciously, he refers to that old fraud Psalmanazar, the self-proclaimed native of Formosa.

Which makes me wonder: Who could be Psalmanazar II?
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