Happy Earth Day, everyone.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Earth Day was two months ago. But nowadays every day is Earth Day. Each time I open the paper there’s an article reminding me of everything we’re not doing, and that the situation is dire.
I can hear some of you groaning already: Hey, Johnny, that’s all hype.
But I’m still worried — for all the obvious reasons. It’s not just the carbon emissions anymore. Now we’ve got an energy crisis, too. And half of our tuna boats are out of commission. So what are the chances that NT$30 plate of “tuna” I ate at Sushi Express last week was even fish?
We better get to work on solar-powered boats, and fast.
But again, there will be naysayers, afraid that a greener world could cut into the global economy with devastating effect. Just think: If money makes the world go ’round and we don’t earn enough of it ... that’s right — the Earth will fall into the sun. Then we’ll never stop global warming.
Don’t fall for it, my friends. As far as inducing a global slowdown goes, nothing can beat the subprime crisis, that bastard child of the American real estate and financial sectors. If they get to induce the worst global upset since the 1930s just because they hoped to fatten their wallets, I figure the business world can take a few risks for the environment, too.
So, how should you celebrate this particular Earth Day, you ask? Why not follow the inspiring earth-saving examples set by our politicos?
Take your jacket off. Then, when you’ve done that, put it on — and take it off again. And again. You’re now so green you make tree-huggers look like Gazprom executives — and Gazprom like Satan.
All you need now is to trot up a flight of stairs instead of taking the elevator and people will start calling you “Mr President.”
Or, like former court jester Shieh Jhy-wey (謝志偉) did on the real Earth Day: Walk to work.
For bonus points, collect per-kilometer sponsorships from your colleagues and donate them to save giant pandas from various perils (deforestation, acid rain, nihilist Tibetan monks, earthquakes) so that the Yuanyuans and Tuantuans of the world can lead lazy, fear-free lives in their natural habitat — a glass jar at the Taipei Zoo.
If none of these efforts impress, remember Shieh’s words on April 22: “Although today’s event carries more symbolic meaning than substance, everyone should consider getting up early to walk to the office.”
Exactly. More symbolism and less substance, please. It is imperative that you join the campaign to shift the environmental debate away from our pursuit of unchecked consumption and onto token gestures.
After all, the Tao Te Ching says a journey of 10,000 miles starts with a single step. Likewise, the road to environmental ruination starts with a merely symbolic step away from where you parked your motorscooter.
But seriously, with all these technological advances, a solution to our ecological woes may be around the corner. Just this week, as I wandered the aisles of my local hypermarket, I saw a promising new product: nanotechnological toilet paper.
No, I didn’t make that up; I’m not creative enough. This stuff’s probably so effective that it doesn’t just wipe up your excreta, it purifies it. So why not put this stuff to use cleaning old chemical factory sites?
But if you’re a little nervous about putting all our faith in next-generation TP, you’re probably also frustrated with our ineffectual leaders.
Let me assure you: They may not be doing much to save God’s decreasingly green Earth, but they’ve mastered the art of running parallel, carefully dissociated discourses on the environment and the economy:
Such as: Never mention emissions and export growth in the same sentence. But if one must, then use the term “sustainable development” and hope the audience is incapable of critical thinking.
It should come as no surprise that the thing about saving the environment that politicians and companies like the most involves more spending and new industries. Everyone toss out your eco-hostile cars (at five years old, they’re an embarrassment) and buy “green” models fresh off the factory line.
You can boost consumption and feel like you made a difference.
The truth is, almost every day I can read about tips from the president on saving water, legislators joining vegetarian save-the-world drives, tree-planting schemes, emissions-reduction pledges, officials touting public transport and the activities of the Environmental Protection Administration (EPA).
Er, what is it that the EPA does again? That’s right, it gives “green store” labels to any store that offers at least three green products. Radical times require radical measures.
Yet, despite this copious confabulation, we’re one of the fastest growing carbon emitters in the world.
What we need is a plan. And it just so happens that we already have one: Agenda 21. It’s a fine plan that even comes with a flow chart.
It’s based on a brilliant but utterly impotent UN plan by the same name. The UN’s Agenda 21 is a guide to 21st century global sustainability — something that seems as distant to me right now as my years of military service. And its implementation is voluntary.
The Taiwanese version of Agenda 21 was passed by the National Council for Sustainable Development in 2004 and set a plethora of goals, such as achieving sustainable fishing by 2015 and treating all animal husbandry waste water rather than flushing it into our rivers and the sea.
The project even has an executive director, who gets to wag a finger and call for action. Hmm. Not exactly the crusading pit bull we need, given the government never gave it any teeth.
And without any teeth, the council is a dream machine.
As for Agenda 21, we never hear about it. Looking for recent news articles on it is like digging for water in the Gobi. Is it top secret? Because if it is, the council might want to remove any mention of it from its Web site.
But if the government takes this agenda seriously, it will be in a great position to effect change because the premier is the head of the council.
And even if it can only achieve half of its green goals — without triggering nuclear winter — I’ll be tickled pan-blue. I suspect, however, that what we will see is men in gray suits and slip-on shoes drawing up another comprehensive map, giving the program an executive director and tucking it neatly away in a drawer marked “Oblivion.”
Time, as people without a clue usually say, will tell. Well, that and rising temperatures. But remember, global warming is only true if you buy it. And anyway, you can always hope you’ll be gone before the nano-cleansed shit hits the fan.
As for me, I may end up taking my grandkids to Scandinavia. At least there the little Neihus can frolic in the sun without evaporating — for now. Meanwhile, I’ll lead a quiet, politics-free life watching Swedish “educational” films from the 1960s. No subtitles necessary when you’re lost in the guilt-free warmth of the past. I like the feeling already.
Got something to tell Johnny? Go on, get it off your chest. Write to dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com, but be sure to put “Dear Johnny” in the subject line or he’ll mark your bouquets and brickbats as spam.
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