Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Of mice, macking and rowdy losers

VALENTINE'S DAY HAS, mercifully, past. Not that I care much -- my gal Cathy Pacific's a traditional, stinky tofu-eating, oamisua-slurping Taiwanese dame who's too ... er ... advanced in years to much care about such Western trivialities.

That's not the case for millions of young Taiwanese whippersnappers, who take the imported "holiday" as an opportunity to pile all sorts of additional social pressures on themselves -- as if there weren't enough of the home-grown variety already.

And all of them are happy about it, at least judging by a recent Associated Press (AP) story entitled "Single men at home in their digital world: Taiwanese chase computer games rather than skirts."

The article's a bit thin on context, to say the least. It doesn't mention, for example, that what the AP translates as "home boys" (zhainan, 宅男) is borrowed directly from the Japanese otaku. These are the long-discussed male shut-in hobby geeks whose spiritual homeland is Tokyo's Akihabara district.

Even in antisocial fads, it seems, Taiwan can't help but copy Japan. Can't we invent a twisted, "exotic" trend of our own to feed up to the laowai press? And I'm not talking toilet restaurants.

The otaku phenomenon's nothing new; every time a Western sociologist or Tokyo-based foreign correspondent runs out of ideas, these moonlighting losers get trotted out and are put under the spotlight anew.

In Taiwan, you know the trend has long peaked when megastar Jay Chou (周杰倫) releases a song about it (Sunshine Homeboy from last year's album On the Run -- a catchy little ditty).

Even Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) presidential nominee Frank Hsieh (謝長廷) called himself a zhainan last fall after skipping the DPP's national congress and going into self-imposed seclusion. That means the AP missed a chance to crank up the alarmism a couple of notches: a zhainan could soon occupy the Presidential Office.

Then after eight years of Prez A-bian's (陳水扁) nonstop global gallivanting -- yammering away, wearing goofy foreign garb and putting fruit on his head -- maybe that's just what we need. A president who'll stay indoors quietly playing computer games, making the occasional policy announcement via text message if absolutely necessary.

But the AP article insists there's a "disturbing" new phenomenon in Taiwan. Last December, a few self-styled zhainan apparently trolled through a Taipei mall yelling at couples: "Lovers, go to Hell!"

It gets worse: "The more rabid home boys go public with their complaints on popular dating days, such as Valentine's Day and Christmas Eve."

Uh-oh.

"Parents find the trend worrisome."

Criminy.

In my cynical twilight years, I can't help but ask: How maladjusted can these young men be when they're able to articulate their angst in quotable soundbites to the international wires?

Note AP: When a group has its own media strategy, it's probably not a real subculture.

But such is media during Lunar New Year, when a trend story can fill the news void on even the barest of pretexts.

Then, at the end of the AP story, the cry from the heart: "Hsu Wen-hsiung, a bespectacled 26-year-old office worker who took part in the anti-couple demonstration in December, complained that women never have the patience to get to know him or allow him to show his good nature and sense of humor in a relaxed atmosphere."

Yes, dear reader, love is hard -- and not just for zhainan. Where's the Taipei City Information Office when you need it?

Some -- at least those who haven't drunk so much Taiwan Beer that their memories are still intact -- will recall the "macking" scandal two years ago. For those who missed it, it may well have been the high point of Ma Ying-jeou's (馬英九) tenure as Taipei mayor.

What as one foreign editor's misguided attempt to jazz up a dull-as-dirt city Web site snowballed into a nationwide embarrassment. The concept: a Web column called "Macking in Taipei," meant as a tongue-in-cheek guide to wooing Taiwanese babes.

As a post-Valentine's Day public service to Hsu and the rest of Taiwan's suffering -- and possibly dangerous -- zhainan, here's an excerpt from the original text. For sheer power of imagery and raw narrative drive, it may be unmatched in the annals of Taiwan's English-language reportage. I've omitted the author's name out of human compassion; the poor guy's probably still doing latrine-cleaning duty in Kinmen. To wit:

"Want to be the Tiger Woods of love? Want to meet your Cinderella? There is a way, my friend, there is a way. Read on.

"Right now you are a lump of clay -- wet, limp, formless. You are a newborn puppy. You're squeaking and your eyes are shut. You are a little boy who's lost his mommy in the mall. Your cheeks are bright red and you're crying ...

"Follow my directions, son, and you will be a statue -- a chiseled and polished love god. You will be a husky pulling a sled, your coat glistening and your teeth sharp. You will be a man. All of this I promise you.

"Who am I? Good question. I'm the new military attache to the Department of Information. My name is XX. I'm Taiwanese, but I've lived in Los Angeles for the past sixteen years. I've just come back to serve my country. Am I a patriot? Time will tell. One thing I know: Sometimes a man has to step up.

"You think I'm here to fool you? Wrong. For thirteen years I've had only success. For thirteen years I've been holding my dream girl -- or dream girls -- in my arms. Failures: none. You may think I sound pompous, but I'm just honest. Anyway, you should stop thinking and start listening. Why? Because you can do it, too."

So ended the first of what promised to be many enlightening posts. Unfortunately, I can't pass on any of XX's specific advice to zhainan like Hsu, as this promising city service was abruptly canceled.

That may have had something to do with the subsequent Apple Daily front page story of Jan. 24, 2006, headlined: "City department teaches foreigners how to pick up women."

Oops. So the forum was a little controversial. But clearly, XX's advice is needed now more than ever.

We can only hope some brave publication -- perhaps even this one -- will "step up" and provide the dating advice desperately needed by so many men, laowai and zhainan alike.

If the AP story is correct, it could be the only way for Taiwan to avert sociological disaster.

Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.