Yes, dear reader, love is hard -- and not just for zhainan. Where's the Taipei City Information Office when you need it?
Some readers -- at least those who haven't drunk so much Taiwan Beer that their memories are still intact -- will recall the "macking" scandal two years ago. For those who missed it, it may well have been the high point of Ma Ying-jeou's (
What began as one foreign editor's misguided attempt to jazz up a dull-as-dirt city Web site snowballed into a nationwide embarrassment. The concept: a Web column called "Macking in Taipei," meant as a tongue-in-cheek guide to wooing Taiwanese babes.
As a post-Valentine's Day public service to Hsu and the rest of Taiwan's suffering -- and possibly dangerous -- zhainan, here's an excerpt from the original text. For sheer power of imagery and raw narrative drive, it may be unmatched in the annals of Taiwan's English-language reportage. I've omitted the author's name out of human compassion; the poor guy's probably still doing latrine-cleaning duty in Kinmen. To wit:
"Want to be the Tiger Woods of love? Want to meet your Cinderella? There is a way, my friend, there is a way. Read on.
"Right now you are a lump of clay -- wet, limp, formless. You are a newborn puppy. You're squeaking and your eyes are shut. You are a little boy who's lost his mommy in the mall. Your cheeks are bright red and you're crying ...
"Follow my directions, son, and you will be a statue -- a chiseled and polished love god. You will be a husky pulling a sled, your coat glistening and your teeth sharp. You will be a man. All of this I promise you.
"Who am I? Good question. I'm the new military attache to the Department of Information. My name is XX. I'm Taiwanese, but I've lived in Los Angeles for the past sixteen years. I've just come back to serve my country. Am I a patriot? Time will tell. One thing I know: Sometimes a man has to step up.
"You think I'm here to fool you? Wrong. For thirteen years I've had only success. For thirteen years I've been holding my dream girl -- or dream girls -- in my arms. Failures: none. You may think I sound pompous, but I'm just honest. Anyway, you should stop thinking and start listening. Why? Because you can do it, too."
So ended the first of what promised to be many enlightening posts. Unfortunately, I can't pass on any of XX's specific advice to zhainan like Hsu, as this promising city service was abruptly canceled.
That may have had something to do with the subsequent Apple Daily front page story of Jan. 24, 2006, headlined: "City department teaches foreigners how to pick up women."
Oops. So the forum was a little controversial. But clearly, XX's advice is needed now more than ever.
We can only hope some brave publication -- perhaps even this one -- will "step up" and provide the dating advice desperately needed by so many men, laowai and zhainan alike.
If the AP story is correct, it could be the only way for Taiwan to avert sociological disaster.
Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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