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Johnny Neihu's Mailbag

A new breed of snake (Part II)

(Continued from last week)

Dear Johnny,

Sometimes this place is so messed up I wonder what I'm doing here and why I bother to care about politics and freedom. Feel free to tell me to go home -- it's the obvious retort.

Just when you think Taiwan has a chance, that it just might do something right like stand up for itself, as President Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁) proposes, some "important" American jackass throws in his two cents.

I'm Canadian, and no offense to Americans in general, but this is why I speak the same language, watch the same movies and share the same culture and history (sound familiar?), but have as much chance of growing back my hair as becoming American. I take solace in believing the Americans do know what is right and are only playing "devil's advocate" for the sake of keeping up appearances with its fat, ugly friend China.

It's not right, but it is part of the facade of international politics. I should say I support the US war on terror, because terror is real, and so is China.

Meanwhile, Taipei's jackass mayor and his punch-drunk civil servants think it wise and entirely within their realm to defy the Central Election Commission. What?

Then the China Post's Sunday editorial ("Election tricks cause concern," Dec. 16) thought it wise to speculate on "dirty tricks" that might be played by Chen and the Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) at the risk of World War III.

Yeah, and having some nut fire a homemade gun at your gut hoping it only "wounds" you is the best way to go about trying to win an election.

If that is the case, then Chen has bigger cajones than a wild 17-year-old alpha male dog from Miaoli with three legs and its nuts dragging on the ground.

Frank Hsieh (謝長廷): Cut this task manager loose. I like him, except for the kowtowing, but he's going to lose the presidential election big time. "Frank Hu"? is what people north of Taichung are wondering.

The best advice I ever received in minor hockey in Canada -- the last game where you can fight and shake hands afterward -- was to keep my head on a swivel. That way, if you see a hit coming you can get the hell out of the way. Right now, no one in the DPP seems to see the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) charging with a vicious cross-check from behind.

But back to Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) for a millisecond. I wrote "UN 4 Taiwan" on the back of my shirt during the ING half marathon on Dec. 16. I expected to make conversation or be stomped before the start line. I got neither.

Clones, Ma clones, all staggering and crawling to the finish line having never trained, just to show the world that the next big cash windfall or idea is just around the corner. Yes, when China gets here, they are the ones who will have the innate "will" to get rich.

I got one jiayou (加油) from a dude in green attire and he skirted away for fear someone heard him.

"Green terror," my butt.

As I ran through the tunnel before the finish, a song I hadn't heard in a while rang through my iPod. Pearl Jam's Do the Evolution sped up my pace for the last 1,000m and gave me goosebumps. I thought of Ma as the lyrics came screaming through Eddie Vedder's guttural voice:

Buying stocks on the day of the crash ...

All the rolling hills, I'll flatten 'em out

It's herd behavior ...

This land is mine, this land is free

I do what I want,

but irresponsibly ...

I'm a thief, I'm a liar

There's my church [the PRC],

I sing in the choir.

Taiwan, you might like the KMT bonus check, but it won't go far.

Gathering speed,

Keith Justik

P.S. Did I mention another article in the China Post? It seems the Chinese "forgive" Chiang Kai-shek (蔣介石) for his political bloodletting in that country. Okay? Must be a fact then.

Johnny replies: Seems to me, Keith, that you need a holiday to get all this sociopolitical gunk out of your system. Try running down the Suhua Highway. Take some of your unfit Ma wannabes with you; Darwinian principles will let a few reach Hualien; most of the others will be run over or die of carbon monoxide poisoning in some real tunnels.
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