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Johnny Neihu's Mailbag

A new breed of snake (Part I)

Dear Johnny,

You must tell me which bowel of Taiwanese depravity you frequent so that I might join you for a few word-slurring beers over treasonous KMT trash talk. I cringe to think you are the only one with a license to spout off on the foul nature of your brethren or that your Hunter S. Thompson style is unrecognizable.

Now that the niceties are out of the way, let's talk shop. I, too, a foreigner no less, recognize the "pig sodomizers" amongst us.

Perhaps by the 12th round of Taiwanese formaldehyde-laden hops we could reach a consensus such as this: at the least, an ignorant "Jimmy Waiguoren" can be brought around to the reality of Taiwan, when most locals are so blindly fashioned to their shade of blue or green that they don't know, can't articulate or reason otherwise.

"It's very complicated" is my favorite answer. And by the way, did Mr. Waiguoren, in his naive fog, explain why he had such an articulate question to render forth on the "overdue scrapping of a dictator's personality cult"? ("Election 2008: The `sissy factor,'" Dec. 15, page 8.)

You see, when I can't be bothered to mission to the Combat Zone, I am quite happy to sort out Taiwanese politics outside the nearest 7-Eleven with a good plastic crate to sit on. Try hiding from the populace with 12 empty cans at your feet there, my friend! The looks I get are ominous.

And from my pulpit of cheap beer within the public domain I preach thus: "Brace yourself, Taiwan, brace yourself for the thing that is Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九)."

He is a new breed of snake in this political ecosystem. Punch-drunk on power, give this guy a single glass of red wine and he'd sell his old man's ashes for a night out at the PRC "Mao Zedong's Still Our Hero" bash.

He relishes in politics for the commoner, the real Taiwanese, the Taiwanese who can no longer afford Alexander gym memberships. And the "staff writers" at the China Post, who create the fear of economic Armageddon on this island, felt it journalistically responsible to report Alexander was going under because economic hardship under the "Green Terror" forced patrons to stay home and get fat. Rubbish. Still, they often have no choice but to admit (on the back page, usually) to the economic success of this island.

The propaganda put forth in that rag of a newspaper instead implores, as would Ma, that the value of property on the island will go up when the Chinese get here. No shit? And then the bloody commoner who can't afford a dumpling will really be fucked, much less those with a chance to pursue middle class status. Can I get my gym membership money back please?

And then -- this pisses me off -- Ma claims kids only need to start learning English (whether it matters at all is arguable) in the fifth grade.

Well, I met the guy once, shook his greasy hand and posed for the photo op with my students. His indiscreet, yet telling anecdote of his background at Cambridge in Boston sickened me so that I eventually vomited on the steps outside his office. I wasn't even hung over.

First of all, there is no way in hell this guy started speaking English in the fifth grade! And all language-based evidence suggests learning two languages at a young age does not harm the dominant language. I would dare him to spin this shit in Canada. And what about Taiwanese, isn't this a second language as well? Leave the didactics of education to the experts, you dick!

Finally, but not finally, Ma has been chirping off about the "Green Terror." Is the guy retarded? I know you can't say that but I just did. So who exactly has the Democratic Progressive Party rounded up, relieved of their human rights and then executed? Sure, I wouldn't mind putting a few on the list, but my opinions are a bit "out there" at 4am.

KEITH JUSTIK

Johnny replies: What can I say, Keith? I'm cutting your letter in two because it's too damn long, but I can't bring myself to shorten it. Readers can work their way through the second installment in next week's Mailbag. Be warned: the Great Jogger's unfit acolytes make a sweaty appearance.
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