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Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Referendumb and referendumber

When it comes to the whole brouhaha over the UN referendum, it's hard to say whose behavior is most asinine.

The original sinner is President Chen Shui-bian's (陳水扁) Democratic Progressive Party. Desperate to deflect attention from its sorry-ass record in office, the party's cooked up a non-issue and a meaningless gesture that makes a mockery of Taiwan's hard-won democratic system.

Their proposed question: "Do you think Taiwan should seek to join the UN under the name `Taiwan'?"

Why not just add underneath: "And by the way, should Hell freeze over, too?"

When I saw Chen waving a "UN for Taiwan" flag in Kaohsiung on Saturday with his mouth gaping open like a sick whale shark, I almost barfed up my hotpot.

But if the DPP's referen-dumb is bad, try the KMT's referen-dumber. They want to ask: "Do you agree that Taiwan should adopt a policy of using practical, flexible titles when applying to return to the UN and to enter other international organizations? Namely, do you approve of applying to return to the UN and to enter other international organizations under the name Republic of China, or Taiwan, or other names that are dignified and will help meet with success?"

Good comeback, guys. Way to take a principled stand against the DPP's election gimmicks. And what's with the verbal diarrhea?

It's not that the KMT is inconsistent. It's just that their successive positions are so convoluted it takes an advanced degree in literary theory and a long hospital stay to figure out what they actually are.

Then there's China, which must have scoured back issues of Marvel Comics to come up with an appropriate response. Take the Chicom official who urged the world to "see clearly Chen Shui-bian's evil intentions in promoting the referendum and the serious harm caused by it."

Ah yes, it's the time-honored ploy of any arch villain bent on taking over the world for his own sinister purposes. Rubbing his hands together gleefully, he says: "I know just the thing to bring them to their knees -- a referendum! Then the world will be mine ... mine! [evil cackling laughter]".

Some rising superpower. Can you believe that China is so insecure that the mere proposal of a peaceful plebiscite on a small neighboring island sends it into fits of fearful rage? But Matsu forbid anyone questioning China's position. We wouldn't want to hurt the feelings of its 1.3 billion people -- though no one knows what those feelings are, since conducting a public poll there will get you deported or sent to a small, dark place faster than you can say "gulag archipelago."

Perhaps most shameful is Uncle Sam's position. The US doesn't like the referendum idea one little bit, no sirree. Apparently, State's striped-pants boys are especially concerned about the use of the word "Taiwan."

Let me get this straight. "Taiwan" is a dirty word, and if we use it, Washington's going to pull the car over and wash our mouths out with soap (and stop hitting your little brother!). But if we use a title (the "Republic of China") that technically makes a claim over all of China, as well as democratic Mongolia, for a UN bid, then that's OK?

That's about as logical as, oh, I don't know, attacking Iraq to defeat al-Qaeda three countries away.

Anyway, since all the cool kids are proposing referendums these days, here are my own ideas. If we're going to go the plebiscite route, we might as well have some fun.

1. Should Taiwan seek to join the UN under the name "The Galactic Klingon Federation"?

Why not give the UN bid some sizzle? If it's attention Taiwan wants, this is a sure bet. Just think of the cosplay possibilities -- can't you just picture Yu Shyi-kun in full Klingon regalia in front of UN headquarters?

2. Should Johnny Neihu seek to join the UN under the name "Afjohnnystan"?

Don't laugh; it could happen. UN membership has been denied me long enough. That's especially galling as I meet all the requirements for a sovereign state under the 1933 Montevideo Convention: a permanent population (one); defined territory (give or take a few kilos, depending on Taiwan Beer intake); government (that's the old Neihu noggin); and the capacity to enter into relations with other states (I've been to Thailand several times).

As for "Afjohnnystan," I think it's got a good ring, but I'm open to other possibilities, depending on the people's will -- consider "The Republic of Johnny Neihu," the "Separate Customs Territory of Johnny Neihu and Penghu," or "Johnny Neihu's Pimpin' Principality of Pleasure."

3. Should people who propose pointless referendums that make no difference to Taiwan's status and simply eat up a lot of time and energy and distract everyone from real issues be spanked in public? Hard?

That could stop all these referendum shenanigans once and for all. And none too soon, because all the dueling questions and hairsplitting are making people who were already confused about Taiwan even more so.

Take the people at Monocle. Just when you thought a publication couldn't be any snootier than The Economist, along comes this magazine. You may need a bank loan to buy one at the local Eslite. But if you pay up, rest assured you'll have in your hot little hands the would-be Bible of the continent-hopping, Frapuccino-gargling, brand-happy elite.

Just because it's highbrow doesn't mean it's smart. Witness the September issue, devoted to the theme of "nation-building" (though that gets a bit lost, what with all the ads for designer menswear and eco-conscious, finished-wood furniture from Botswana). Way down in a blurb is the statement: "Officially, Taiwan remains a part of the People's Republic of China."

Note to the editors: Maybe it's time to trade in that monocle for a pair of bifocals -- all the better to peer over your pocket handkerchiefs at the CIA World Factbook before you go to press. But then, this is clearly a rag that's not going to let the facts get in the way of a moody ad for "heirloom cashmere" (What is that, anyway? And can I get it in Yonghe?).

Monocle is not the only one that should see an optometrist. Martin Willison, a "Dalhousie University professor who is studying in China during a sabbatical leave," has this to say in a hallucinatory letter to the Halifax Chronicle Herald.

"The DPP is separatist, unlike the three main opposition parties in parliament ... Taiwan has traditionally been one of China's provinces, and that's how it is still regarded ... Is it too much to ask that the editorial board at The Chronicle Herald give a thought to what the people of mainland China think regarding the province of Taiwan, and about political machinations in the multi-party democracy of Taiwan?"

Who needs a propaganda department when you've got otherwise intelligent-sounding Canadians spouting this nonsense for you? Watch for this fall's new prime time smash: When Good Canadians Go Bad -- the Shocking Effects of the Chicom Mind-Meld.

This is going to sound pedantic. But just for the record, Willi my boy, Taiwan was a full-fledged province of the Qing Empire for no more than a decade -- probably less time than it took you to finish your dissertation on "Electron Microscopy and its Role in Greater China Myth-Building."

And here's an existential head-scratcher: How exactly can one "separate" from an entity (the People's Republic) if one was never a part of it? Try figuring that one out next time you've lit up a bowl of British Columbia's finest with your pseudo-greenie acolytes.

Anyway, I'm sick of sticking up for this confused country -- it's time to look out for No. 1.

If you need me, I'll be at a local watering hole, eyeing Canadians suspiciously and collecting signatures for my personal bid: "UN for Johnny: If not now, when?"

Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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