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Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Nomenclature by any other name

By Johnny Neihu

Saturday, Feb 10, 2007, Page 8

My Friday morning last week began as so many do: poring over the English-language comics and wondering why my beloved country can't manage decent newspaper comics of its own. But as a bonus, the paper now staining your fingers provided me with a story funnier than any comic ("Chinese religious official criticizes Bush's Iraq policy," Feb. 2, page 5).

The report said that Ye Xiaowen (葉小文), director of China's State Administration of Religious Affairs, published an essay in the People's Daily criticizing US President George W. Bush for not respecting religious freedom. I laughed so hard I inhaled Coco Puff.

This is not to say that Ye's Iraq stance was wrong, nor that the man who for many symbolizes the worst of US global ignorance doesn't deserve any of the criticism heaped on him.

But seriously, China, religious freedom? It would be a bit more credible to complain that Dubya is failing to cash in on selling organs of executed criminals on the black market. That's more up your alley, my red friends.

But complaining about the US and religious freedom is like Premier Su Tseng-chang (蘇貞昌) criticizing Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) Chairman Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) for using too much styling gel.

Well, I knew I had to read the whole piece, and I wasn't disappointed. Ye's Marxist brainwashing oozes out with every clunker. Feast on this: "Religion can summon the masses," and "Although religion is a form of social ideology, religions are simply reflections of social and economic contradictions."

A social ideology, eh? No wonder the Vatican doesn't let you pick your own bishops.

Then Ye asks: "How can a fight against terror target a specific religion?"

Actually, this is a good point. Why not target all of them, like China does? Falun Gong gets most of the attention, but China deserves credit for its egalitarianism: It distributes religious oppression fairly and without discrimination to all of its banned religions.

Then, from the ignorant and hypocritical, Ye delves even deeper into the downright incomprehensible with this gem: "Terrorism hides under the cloak of religion, but why too does unilateralism use that cloak?"

I don't know, the overcoat of tolerance was missing and the jacket of justice was at the cleaners? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

As I read on, it came to me that China's latest foray into championing religious tolerance transcends standard bureaucratic hypocrisy and reaches a kind of Monty Pythonesque plateau of absurdity.

And as I sat there grinning at the thought of Chinese President Hu Jintao (胡錦濤) doing a silly walk, I wondered if this article was meant to be taken seriously or as a really sarcastic, self-deprecating joke.

It's possible right? No government, not even China's, could be so blind to its own nature. I wonder if Ye had to issue his statement in written form because he couldn't keep a straight face while reading it out loud. And I bet old Hu laughed his ass off when he read it in the newspaper: "Religious tolerance ... haha. That's a good one. Somebody promote this Ye guy. This is funnier than that `peaceful rise' crap."

But Ye's work wasn't the only example of China's new commitment to religious and cultural sensitivity this week. On Monday, Xinhua news agency quoted Vice Minister of Commerce Wei Jianguo (魏建國) refuting the malicious Western media's claims that China's new oil grab in Africa constitutes a "new colonialism."

Quite to the contrary, Wei said, "the Chinese people, angels all in white, are coming to relieve the sufferings of the people of Africa."

Strange, I always thought the stereotype for the Chinese was yellow. In any case "Yellow Man's Burden" has a better ring to it, seeing as (a) white is the Chinese color for mourning ("angels of death," anyone?), and (b) the dark continent has already had one or two bad run-ins with white angels promising to relieve their suffering. I believe they are still referred to as "colonial powers." Just a suggestion.

But China isn't the only country breaking new ground. Here in Taiwan, the upcoming 60th anniversary of the 228 Incident is prompting the executive to purge all things Chiang Kai-shek (蔣介石) as if the White Terror's wounds were being healed in reverse. Chiang's statues are set to come down from military bases, and there is an effort brewing to rename Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall "Taiwan Democracy Hall." Interestingly, the Chinese version of the proposed new name reads "Taiwan Democracy Memorial Hall" (台灣民主紀念堂). Make of that what you will.

Either way, I still prefer the "Johnny Neihu Temple of Fun."

The name change is all well and good, but won't it be a little odd to have a "democracy hall" with an enormous statue of Peanut presiding over it? Seems to me there would need to be some physical renovations as well. But those of Chiang's psycho descendents now working for the KMT will probably resort to the old suicide protest or chain themselves to grandpa before they let it be removed to a warehouse in Nantou County.

So let's compromise. Chiang's statue can stay, but he has to wear a Hawaiian shirt. Nothing says "democracy" like a Hawaiian shirt.

Unless you've got the hots for fascism, all this name changing should come as a no-brainer. But after giving up The Airport Formerly Known as CKS without much of a fight, some in the pan-blue camp are determined not to go quietly this time. Their challenge is to come up with any logical reason why streets in every town should continue to bear a dictator's name. The closest to logical I've heard so far? We're just too lazy to change them. Or too scared of a fight.

The United Daily News reported on Thursday that KMT Taoyuan County Commissioner Chu Li-lun (朱立倫) said he feared that people would be so angered by the inconvenience that he would be "scolded to death." He said it wasn't worth changing the street names because people living on those roads would have to waste time going to get new ID cards, then they would have to inform all their associates of the new address, and then the county would have to spend money changing the signs ... phew!

All that hassle just to help Taiwan continue to move out of its authoritarian shadow? Seriously, do you remember how much of a pain in the ass it was to make Taiwan a democracy? Don't even get me started on that fiasco.

But Chiang's name isn't the only one under attack. After years of promising to change Taiwan's national title, the Democratic Progressive Party government appears to be switching tactics. Instead of trying to rename the "Republic of China" as "Taiwan," it's changing the name of everything else in the country -- one at a time.

Several state-owned enterprises are having "Taiwan" tacked on to their names, while on Thursday President Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁) called for the national Chunghwa Post Co to be renamed "Taiwan Post Co." This stirred up fiery protests yesterday by postal workers opposed to the change. If only they were so passionate about finding my missing packages.

But all of these changes will look like small potatoes if Ma Ying-jeou is indicted for embezzling city funds, as rumors now swirling suggest. What I wouldn't give to see the Great Blue Hope himself splitting the China-hugging vote in the 2008 presidential election by running as an independent versus the candidate selected from KMT Actual-Chairman-For-Life Lien Chan (連戰) and People First Party Chairman-In-Absentia James Soong (宋楚瑜) (the latter campaigning via video feed from the US with cardboard arms and legs attached to the screen for added effect).

And while it's always unfortunate to have to indict our public officials, it's certainly enjoyable seeing Mr Teflon running around trying to tell anyone who will listen that he didn't intend anything illegal. He even went down to the prosecutor's office on Wednesday to plead his case for the third time.

Let's see, how did you put it last year, Mr Ma? Something about a "bullet in the chamber?"

Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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