Admit it: We've all done it before. No, I'm not talking about running a red light or kicking your neighbor's noisy dog while you think no one is looking. I'm talking about putting your foot in it.
I remember once, after a few too many gaoliangs and Whisby chasers at a family wedding just after I met Cathy Pacific, I called her over and whispered in her ear: "Who's that ugly old witch in the disgusting pink dress over there?"
"That, my dear, is your future sister-in-law," came the reply. Whoops!
So it should have come as no surprise when the master of ceremonies at Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega's inauguration ceremony introduced a beaming President Chen Shui-bian (
After all, who but seasoned Asia hands and locals can distinguish between the Republic of China and the People's version just across the water?
If a "firm ally" using the C-word wasn't embarrassing enough, the Shit-Eating-Grinner-in-Chief then posed for photos with a local newspaper highlighting the gaffe to commemorate the balls-up.
In its pathetic attempt at damage control, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MOFA) and Chen proceeded to roll out all the usual excuses, like "Foreigners don't understand, they get confused easily," etc, etc. Hole in one, you dunces: The reason they get confused is because you don't do your job properly.
Mind you, it could have been worse. At least Ortega didn't ask: "Hola, Bianbino. Why didn't you bring your mother-in-law with you this time? Couldn't you fit her wheelchair on the plane?"
Another thing that might have been hard for foreigners to understand was the kafuffle that took place at the London School of Economics (LSE) last week when Minister of Education Tu Cheng-sheng (杜正勝) delivered a speech on Taiwan's education reforms.
Students from Commieland tried to disrupt Tu's speech and held up placards reading "Taiwan is part of China" and "No cultural brainwash [sic]."
The protest eventually degenerated into a shouting match with Taiwanese students also present.
The red devils who attend LSE, according to MOFA official Chang Chin-sheng (張欽盛), are mostly the privileged offspring of Chicom bigwigs.
"No cultural brainwash"? With English skills like that, it is pretty obvious how they managed to gain entry into one of the world's premier institutes of higher education. Maybe we should give the students in question a test: Take the words "black, pot, the, kettle, calling" and arrange into a well-known English idiom.
If they can manage that tough task, then they must be a sure-fire bet to take over the reins when President Hu "can't speak a word of English" Jintao (胡錦濤) eventually steps down.
Talking of wagers, after last week's judicial goings-on it is hard to believe that, apart from a twice-weekly punt on the lottery, gambling is supposed to be illegal in our good nation. That is, unless you are a tubby, aging TV variety show host with a cheeky smile or an ever-so-cute, waif-like female professional billiards player.
Yes, Taiwan's one-rule-for-the-rich-and-famous justice system lived up to expectations again last week as inexplicably popular entertainer Hu Gua (
Hu was up on charges of cheating fellow mahjong players out of their hard-earned dollars thanks to a network of secret cameras installed in the air conditioning vents of his Taipei penthouse, while Chen was accused of using Internet sites to fritter away around NT$10 million (US$300,000) on Taiwanese baseball. She fled the country when her local "big brother" (
Concerns that fame and celebrity are enough to ensure anyone can escape doing time were confirmed when everyone's favorite host Hu was the only one of four defendants in his case to be found innocent on all charges, despite the fact that prosecutors demanded a three-year stretch.
"There is no evidence to show that Hu Gua was involved in planning this scam or knew about it," court spokesman Liu Shou-sung (
Yeah, right! Your luxury pad is turned into an illegal gambling den by your brother and you have no idea. That's about as plausible as actress Hsiao Shu-shen (蕭淑慎) saying she was unaware how marijuana and cocaine got into her bloodstream (Hsiao, my sources tell me, has been offered the lead role in an upcoming movie entitled Snow White and the Eight Dopes).
Anyway, for once in his career, Hu had the last laugh. But his poor elder brother isn't chuckling after getting 28 months. Bet he wishes he'd followed his didi (第第) into showbiz! I only hope Gua-ge (瓜哥) sends his brother some pretty impressive food parcels while he's inside taking the rap.
Meanwhile, "Beautiful Babe" Jennifer Chen escaped porridge after her lawyers reached a deal with Taipei County prosecutors.
In return for avoiding time behind bars, Chen must compose two 100-character articles warning the public of the dangers of gambling -- to be posted on the Web each day for a whole two months. That's 16,000 characters in all.
I bet her cueing arm is aching at the thought of such severe punishment.
What's more, she gets weekends off. Not much of a deterrent to other young pool babes thinking of racking up huge debts on illegal gambling Web sites before absconding abroad, now is it?
Talking of fleeing abroad, if Rebar Asia Pacific Group chairman and white-collar criminal Wang You-theng's (王又曾) flight has taught us anything, it is that the one-rule-for-the-rich justice system doesn't only apply in Taiwan. Wang, who fled to China after apparently embezzling NT$80 billion (US$2.2 billion) at last count, reportedly spent a few days holed up in a luxury Shanghai hotel before leaving for the US.
Chicom authorities said the lack of an arrest warrant and the fact Wang had legitimate travel papers prevented them from detaining him, even though they knew he was wanted in Taiwan.
Contrast this with the case of blue-collar worker Lee Han-yang (
Lee was picked up in Kunming just eight days after the robbery by local police and is now awaiting repatriation.
The moral of the story is: It doesn't matter how much you steal, it's the color of your collar that counts.
Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
Could Asia be on the verge of a new wave of nuclear proliferation? A look back at the early history of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO), which recently celebrated its 75th anniversary, illuminates some reasons for concern in the Indo-Pacific today. US Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin recently described NATO as “the most powerful and successful alliance in history,” but the organization’s early years were not without challenges. At its inception, the signing of the North Atlantic Treaty marked a sea change in American strategic thinking. The United States had been intent on withdrawing from Europe in the years following
My wife and I spent the week in the interior of Taiwan where Shuyuan spent her childhood. In that town there is a street that functions as an open farmer’s market. Walk along that street, as Shuyuan did yesterday, and it is next to impossible to come home empty-handed. Some mangoes that looked vaguely like others we had seen around here ended up on our table. Shuyuan told how she had bought them from a little old farmer woman from the countryside who said the mangoes were from a very old tree she had on her property. The big surprise
The issue of China’s overcapacity has drawn greater global attention recently, with US Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen urging Beijing to address its excess production in key industries during her visit to China last week. Meanwhile in Brussels, European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen last week said that Europe must have a tough talk with China on its perceived overcapacity and unfair trade practices. The remarks by Yellen and Von der Leyen come as China’s economy is undergoing a painful transition. Beijing is trying to steer the world’s second-largest economy out of a COVID-19 slump, the property crisis and
Ursula K. le Guin in The Ones Who Walked Away from Omelas proposed a thought experiment of a utopian city whose existence depended on one child held captive in a dungeon. When taken to extremes, Le Guin suggests, utilitarian logic violates some of our deepest moral intuitions. Even the greatest social goods — peace, harmony and prosperity — are not worth the sacrifice of an innocent person. Former president Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁), since leaving office, has lived an odyssey that has brought him to lows like Le Guin’s dungeon. From late 2008 to 2015 he was imprisoned, much of this