Sat, Nov 25, 2006 - Page 8 News List

Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Return of the Living Dead, Part VI

Some in the KMT think that if your name is Lien then you are entitled to an unlimited number of failed campaigns for president. Maybe that's wise, because Yuan Shikai is ruled out: He's about to have his expense account investigated. Good thing for him that he's dead.

By Johnny Neihu

You can't make this stuff up. In what has to be the most improbable dream since Chiang Kai-shek's (蔣介石) delusion of "retaking the mainland," the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) is said to be lining up its "honorary chairman" for a third crack at the presidency.

That's right, talk circulated in the media this week that the party is thinking about digging up perennial loser and tarmac-kissing stuffed shirt Lien Chan (連戰) for yet another defeat in the 2008 presidential election. If you listen carefully, you can hear the champagne corks popping at Democratic Progressive Party headquarters.

You can imagine the conversation during last week's KMT Central Standing Committee meeting:

Evil KMT delegate 1: "Ha ha ha! Our master plan to bring the government to a standstill combined with the media war against the president means the DPP is so discredited that even a spastic baboon could win the next presidential election for us."

Evil KMT delegate 2: "Mmmm, get on the phone to Lien."

Talk about punch-drunk. Asking loser Lien to stand for president again is akin to asking Muhammad Ali to step back into the ring for one last title fight, or betting on Taiwan to win the 2010 soccer World Cup.

While they're at it, they might as well ask Mrs Lien Fang Yu (連方瑀) to plaster her mug with war paint once more for a tilt at next year's Miss Republic of China beauty pageant to add to the title she took in 1852.

Or maybe the KMT are just trying to disprove the old adage "third time lucky"?

While we're on the subject of stiffs, another story that emerged last week, but which I considered too good to pass up, was picked up by Deutsche Presse-Agentur from our sister paper the Liberty Times about a meter-long sculpture of a penis on display at The Airport Formerly Known As CKS. It's been getting up the noses -- not literally, I assume -- of foreign visitors and air crew alike.

According to the story, the offending phallus "is part of an exhibition of artifacts from the [Tsou] tribe," who employ the services of said giant tallywacker to pacify their female mountain god, who, if unsatisfied, wreaks havoc by unleashing rock falls and mudslides. As we're all aware: "Hell hath no fury like ..."

That's all Taiwan needs right now: One more heavyweight "Wang" to steal the limelight from Messrs Jin-pyng (王金平) and Chien-ming (王建民).

But the thing that I found amazing was that foreign air crew members, who refer to the gigantic "little brother" as "The Thing," have posted photos of it on their blogs, saying it is offensive to female flight attendants.

My, how times have changed since the days when my gal Cathy Pacific plied her trade as a trolley dolly. A carving of a humongous hampton such as that would have gone down a storm at the wild parties air crews used to throw in the swinging '60s, so Cathy reliably informs me. Yeah, baby!

In their defense, the Tsou tribe said: "Some Japanese also worship penis sculptures as a symbol of fertility, and many Japanese visitors pose for photos with the airport's sculpture."

A compelling defense, but either way, what a great holiday snap to show the grandkids.

Let's just put the mix-up over this particular monstrous manhood down to cultural differences and move on.

Health news, and my foreign friends often tell me that Taiwan is a crazy place where things seem to be turned on their heads.

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