Sat, Nov 04, 2006 - Page 8 News List

Johnny Neihu's mailbag

It's quite simple: We have to be clear about where our allegiances lie. Are you clear about yours? Take the test, and prepare to be offended.

True tests of allegiance

Dear Johnny,

You could use a simple ploy to test allegiance to Taiwan similar to one used in England.

It was said by a politician that when England play Pakistan at cricket you should ask a person who he or she wants to win, the answer reflecting his or her love of England.

Now, simply change it around a little and send a questionnaire to prospective lawmakers or mayors: "If Taiwan were to play China at baseball, who would you support?"

Please suggest answers!

Pete Jones


Johnny replies: There's no doubt in my mind that most of our legislators, when asked the question "If Taiwan were to play China at baseball, who would you support?" would answer: "Why, Chinese Taipei, of course. What a silly question."

Pete, your unsettling suggestion has inspired me to mock up a test for persons of various nationalities. Try some on your friends (if you can afford to lose them):

Test for an American man: Question: Who would you rather sleep with: Laura Bush, or one of the virgins awaiting Osama bin Laden in Heaven? Correct answer: Fly into a rage at the impertinence of the question, kill the person who asked it, then sleep with Laura and the virgin.

Test for an American woman: You're a vocal supporter of women's rights -- except when Republicans tell you to think otherwise.

Test for a Briton: (in a whining voice) "If only Taiwan had been a British colony..."

Test for an Australian woman: You wept when you heard that Princess Diana died.

Test for an Australian man: You wept when you heard that Steve Irwin died (but when no one was looking).

Test for a Canadian: You wish Quebec would just bloody secede.

Test for a Filipina in Taiwan: You're better educated and more knowledgeable than every one of your employers.

Test for a Chinese: You're willing to die for your country -- after you've emigrated.

Test for a pro-independence Taiwanese: You'll sacrifice everything for Taiwan, but you still use the word dalu (大陸, "mainland") to refer to China.

Test for a pro-unification Taiwanese: China is your spiritual home, and your shoe factories in Dongguan and Fuzhou treat Chinese workers like scum.

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