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Johnny Neihu's mailbag
It's quite simple: We have to be clear about where our
allegiances lie. Are you clear about yours? Take the
test, and prepare to be offended.
Saturday, Nov 04, 2006, Page 8
True tests of allegiance
Dear Johnny,
You could use a simple ploy to test allegiance to Taiwan similar to one used in England.
It was said by a politician that when England play Pakistan at cricket you should ask a person who he or she wants to win, the answer reflecting his or her love of England.
Now, simply change it around a little and send a questionnaire to prospective lawmakers or mayors: "If Taiwan were to play China at baseball, who would you support?"
Please suggest answers!
Pete Jones
Taipei
Johnny replies: There's no doubt in my mind that most of our legislators, when asked the question "If Taiwan were to play China at baseball, who would you support?" would answer: "Why, Chinese Taipei, of course. What a silly question."
Pete, your unsettling suggestion has inspired me to mock up a test for persons of various nationalities. Try some on your friends (if you can afford to lose them):
Test for an American man: Question: Who would you rather sleep with: Laura Bush, or one of the virgins awaiting Osama bin Laden in Heaven? Correct answer: Fly into a rage at the impertinence of the question, kill the person who asked it, then sleep with Laura and the virgin.
Test for an American woman: You're a vocal supporter of women's rights -- except when Republicans tell you to think otherwise.
Test for a Briton: (in a whining voice) "If only Taiwan had been a British colony..."
Test for an Australian woman: You wept when you heard that Princess Diana died.
Test for an Australian man: You wept when you heard that Steve Irwin died (but when no one was looking).
Test for a Canadian: You wish Quebec would just bloody secede.
Test for a Filipina in Taiwan: You're better educated and more knowledgeable than every one of your employers.
Test for a Chinese: You're willing to die for your country -- after you've emigrated.
Test for a pro-independence Taiwanese: You'll sacrifice everything for Taiwan, but you still use the word dalu (大陸, "mainland") to refer to China.
Test for a pro-unification Taiwanese: China is your spiritual home, and your shoe factories in Dongguan and Fuzhou treat Chinese workers like scum.
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