Sat, Oct 28, 2006 - Page 8 News List

Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Invasion of the communist crabs

Bananas are coming out of our ears, so who would be shocked that the Chicoms are using them and some unfortunate crustaceans as part of a culinary United Front? Now, more than ever, we need to turn to indigenous cocktails. Cool, sweetheart.

By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖

Now I'm no detective, but a quick check on Wikipedia reveals that "The Chinese mitten [hairy] crabs migrate from Yangcheng Lake towards the Yangtze delta for mating in September and October. The local fishermen harvest the animals during this migration."

Now, how many Yangtze Rivers are there in China? You don't need to be a rocket scientist to put two and two together. And it sure ain't five.

Then, hot on the heels of the crustacean controversy, came news about smuggled Chinese oysters laced with bleach and preservatives flooding the local market.

Waiter, I'll have the chicken.

Lateral motion was not the only kind of movement in the news this week. There was also a remarkable U-turn to behold.

The campaign to stab his old mate in the back -- sorry, to oppose corruption -- started by Nelson Mandela's poor imitation and revolutionary-de-jour Shih Ming-teh (施明德) has executed an amazing volte-face, announcing that from now on it will push for the passage of the long-delayed "sunshine laws," or legislation concerning the assets of political parties, with particular attention to the KMT's pilfered billions.

Green is the new red, apparently.

This change of tack is bound to have an effect on the levels of support the campaign is getting, as the majority of the campaign's supporters have been bluer than an Iijima Ai (飯島愛) movie. Watch now as the area in front of Taipei Railway Station clears faster than a legislative meeting attended by independent Legislator Li Ao (李敖).

Another noticeable consequence of the campaign's announcement that it has decided to train its crosshairs on the pan-blue camp is the amount of coverage the protest is receiving from 24-hour cable "news" channels. From being the only story on certain channels for a whole month, the campaign has disappeared from our TV screens faster than a Chinese tourist on a mountain road.

And finally, on a happier note, congratulations to Taiwan's world champion cocktail mixer Kung Hui-chun (龔惠君). It's not often we in Taiwan get to celebrate a world champion of our very own, so everyone should applaud her and have a celebratory "chicken's tail alcohol."

My only complaint is that they could have thought of something more adventurous than "Cool Sweetheart" as the drink's name.

I'm more of a "Sex on the Beach" man myself.

Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.

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