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Johnny Neihu's NewsWatch: Impotence: it's the next big thing

By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖

Saturday, Oct 21, 2006, Page 8

So what does it feel like to lead one of Taiwan's biggest political parties but have no power?

Just ask Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九).

Lately, the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) chairman and shuaige-in-chief has been getting even less respect than the late Rodney Dangerfield -- and that's from people in his own camp.

This is what happens when you get elected KMT chairman with the overwhelming support of the party's rank-and-file members -- but against the wishes of legislators and petulant powerbrokers. It's also what happens when an anti-Chen campaign peters out into a sad clutch of red-clad desperadoes looking for a scapegoat to point their thumbs at.

The "Red Army" now accuses Ma of being too much of a wuss and not fanatical enough in demanding that President Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁) step down. KMT legislators are breezily ignoring Ma's promises that they will actually, God forbid, legislate. And pan-blue powerbrokers are too busy empire-building to give their charming chairman any support.

With such a vacuum at the top, the pan-blue camp -- and its ugly stepchild, the pan-red camp -- is devolving into a tangle of plunging polls, recriminations, preening divas and backstabbing.

There hasn't been this much bitchiness on display since Sex and the City went into reruns.

Case in point: The launch of James Soong's (宋楚瑜) candidacy for Taipei mayor. According to our own Taipei Times, he said: "In choosing the future Taipei mayor, residents should consider candidates' abilities, instead of asking what a candidate's father or his party chairman can do."

Ouch. With that first barb, I think he's talking about you, Hau Lung-bin (郝龍斌) -- KMT candidate and son of former premier Hau Pei-tsun (郝柏村).

But despite Soong's catty swipe, surely Hau has the firm backing of the KMT leadership, right? One would think so. So how to explain the presence of Legislative Speaker Wang Jin-pyng (王金平) at the lovefest that was Soong's campaign launch?

According to ETtoday and the United Daily News, Wang said that although he had to support Hau since he was the KMT's candidate, Soong was also a "very good" person for the job.

With supporters like this, Hau must be asking himself, who needs unprincipled, double-dealing, scheming enemies?

As if that wasn't bad enough for the KMT, independent lawmaker and media tart Li Ao (李敖) has thrown his pomelo hat into the ring. Li must be feeling especially cranky these days: He put a lot of effort into presenting himself as the only public figure who would wear red on a regular basis, then Shih Ming-teh (施明德) and his thousands of crimson-clad clowns come along.

Shih's campaign has also sucked up way too much air time -- and what oxygen is to the normal human being, news cameras are to Li Ao.

The man has been running dangerously low on media exposure. Wham! Along comes another election of national significance. Time to put things right.

His campaign platform serves up a steady dose of insults and cringe-inducing, sex-laced commentary to an ever more jaded TV audience. He already made good last week, announcing on Sisy Chen's (陳文茜) ludicrous talk show that Chen Shui-bian and Vice President Annette Lu (呂秀蓮) were a pair of gounann? (狗男女; hint for non-Chinese speakers: it involves dogs and isn't very nice).

Meanwhile, honorary KMT Chairman Lien "I never met a Chicom I didn't like" Chan (連戰) was back in China last week applying his lips firmly to the rear ends of Chinese Communist Party (CCP) apparatchiks, with his shenzhu ("divine pig") son and entourage in tow.

What was Lien doing? Negotiating better trade terms for Taiwanese fruit and vegetables, of course, in a knuckleheaded attempt to bribe the nation's green-leaning farmers to vote blue. In the good old days, the KMT could buy votes directly -- but now, with stricter election laws, it has to use China as the middleman.

According to the English-language People's Daily Online: "`The cross-Strait agricultural cooperation forum has yielded fruitful results, turning over a new page in cross-Strait agricultural cooperation,' said Lien Chan, Honorary Chairman of Chinese Kuomintang [KMT]."

Either the People's Daily unwittingly included that dopey pun at the beginning, or else some underpaid big-nose working in his editorial sweatshop stuck it in as a cry for help.

But it makes me wonder: What does Lien think his place in history will be? Just imagine the Wikipedia entry for the year 2050:

"Despite the millions of people killed during the Chinese Civil War between the KMT and the Communists, and despite China's military threats in the late 20th and early 21st centuries against a democratic Taiwan, Lien Chan devoted much of his last years to strengthening ties between his party and the CCP.

"His efforts were vindicated when in 2034 the CCP erected a mammoth statue of the by then deceased Lien in Taipei's `Plaza of the Gloriously Unified Chinese Race' [formerly Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall] after seizing Taiwan in a lightning-fast military operation, aided by pro-unification Taiwanese insurgents, earlier that year."

"The statue now towers over the nearby Great Panda Hall of the Chinese People in Taiwan, where the offspring of `Lienlien' and `Chanchan,' who came to the island as panda cubs in 2035, still frolic in air-conditioned bliss to the delight of the children of China's eternal Taiwan Province."

What with Lien's treachery and the pan-blue camp's disarray, Premier Su Tseng-chang's (蘇貞昌) strategists must be rubbing their hands in undeserved glee.

But don't start redecorating the Presidential Office just yet, Mr Premier. You have competition from Annette Lu -- who seems to be trying to shore up her credibility standing shoulder to shoulder with the Falun Gong.

As reported in an Epoch Times article entitled "Taiwan's Vice President: Organ-Harvesting is Horrifying," the Vice Platitudinist-in-Chief has come out strong against the Chicoms' alleged practice of harvesting organs from imprisoned Falun Gong practitioners.

Now why doesn't this seem like the boldest of moral stances?

Hell, opposing forced liver extraction is a position even Ma Ying-jeou could stick with.

Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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