Be on your guard kiddies, because the doors of hell have just been thrown open, and all kinds of noxious, annoying spirits are roaming the land. These include the dreaded shuigui (water ghosts), the seductive "fox" ghost (the ruin of weak-willed scholars) and Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) Legislator Chiu Yi (
Unfortunately, burning paper money won't keep that last one at bay. Taoist priests insist the only effective countermeasures against the bewigged scourge are switching off all nearby TV sets and maintaining a healthy 3km buffer between oneself and the legislature.
Last Tuesday, of course, was the start of Ghost Month, or this year, Ghost Months. Thanks to a quirk in the lunar calendar, we get not one but two of them, lasting through Sept. 21. As the Los Angeles Times wrote of this beautiful island's ghosts in a snappy -- if mildly patronizing -- report: "Hardly an area of Taiwanese life is untouched by their ghoulish breath, including the criminal justice and business worlds. Construction crews apologize to wandering ghosts before blowing up mountains or moving dirt ... and courts in Taiwan periodically hear cases in which defendants claim that ghosts told them to commit crimes, although these arguments don't get very far."
Readers should take particular note of the words of Wang Jun-kei, a telecommunications employee quoted in the story: "Most of the time you don't want to bother ghosts."
True enough -- but what's with "most of the time"? When exactly is it a good time to go around stirring up irritable poltergeists?
Speaking of stirring things up, the aforementioned Scandal Ghost -- Chiu Yi -- is off and running with a whole new round of allegations against first lady Wu Shu-jen (
The plot this time 'round gives "convoluted" a whole new meaning, involving as it does the Australia-based fashion designer Ligi Lee (李慧芬), (previously rumored to be Chiu's would-be Deep Throat, as I wrote a few weeks ago), a mysterious government "South Route Project" that Chiu insists is a phantom, the transfer of Grand Hyatt Hotel receipts through a human chain to the first lady, and an excruciatingly bad Crocodile Dundee impersonation ("That's not a receipt, this is a receipt").
The upshot? Chiu says the first lady wrongly pocketed presidential office funds by filing expenses she never incurred.
Time will tell whether the charges have any merit, but it certainly seems to NewsWatch that Chiu is scraping the bottom of the barrel and that time will be unkind -- "Reimbursementgate" just doesn't have an ominous enough ring.
At any rate, the KMT hasn't escaped the hungry ghosts of the media, either. Party spokeswoman Cheng Li-wen (
And Next magazine reported on three KMT lawmakers who went on a "fact finding" trip to China, during which they were allegedly entertained in a "lounge bar."
The trio apparently thought that inspecting the "small three links" referred to the bra-hooks of the bar babes at a Chinese la mei dian (
Why the need to trek all the way to China when there are plenty of perfectly good hostess bars here? And how is Taiwan supposed to achieve sustainable economic development with these kinds of blue-camp shenanigans?
Speaking of destructive visitors, I'm happy to report that the island survived Typhoon Kaemi, despite the usual apocalyptic media buildup. According to The Associated Press, Kaemi is the Korean word for "ant" -- though it sounds more like the nom de boire of a lassie in a Linsen N Road piano bar.
At any rate, the question is: Who's naming these things, and what are they smoking? One storm it's the Fijian word for "stale artichoke," the next it's a Thai rendering of the Swahili phrase for "shampoo and conditioner in one."
Still, "Kaemi" was better than its predecessor, Tropical Storm Bilis -- which sounds like a character from the legendary US television show The Dukes of Hazzard. What's next, Typhoon Rosco P. Coltrane?
Of course, Bilis was no joking matter -- the AP tally was 612 people killed in China, 208 missing and 3 million removed from their homes.
Which is far more damage than the Dukes of Hazzard ever caused, at least in the physical sense.
But most alarming this week on a personal level was the revelation from KMT Vice Chairman Chiang Pin-kung (
As if the KMT's nationalism, its bitter history of fighting the Japanese and outspoken criticism of Tokyo didn't have something to do with the party's PR problem up north. Not to mention that the KMT does a fine job of making itself look bad all on its own.
Still, if Chiang's right, mischievous spirits must be messing with my mail, because I haven't received my check from the DPP. Note to Chairman Yu Shyi-kun: Cut me another one, and quick: I'd like to take a "fact finding" trip to Palau before the next typhoon rolls in -- and don't worry about the column, I'll have it ghost-written while I'm gone.
Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.
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