Johnny Neihu NewsWatch: Taiwan needs some (soccer) balls

By Johnny Neihu 強尼內湖

Saturday, Jun 17, 2006, Page 8

Even in the soccer desert that is Taiwan it's impossible to ignore the fact that the 2006 FIFA World Cup is currently taking place in Germany. Now soccer (or football, as it is known to most of the world outside the US) is a sport I admittedly know little about. So I decided to do a little research into the "beautiful game" on the "beautiful island/Ilha Formosa" -- and what I discovered does not make pleasant reading for any patriotic Taiwanese.

Taiwan, it appears, is something of a soccer basketcase. According to the fount of all knowledge (or Wikipedia, as it is known in Neihu) the greatest achievement of the "Chinese Taipei" soccer team was third place in the 1960 Asian Cup. There is not even a record of the nation's most capped player or highest goal scorer.

In a recent DPA article entitled "Cash-rich Taiwan embarrassed by paltry football reputation," the head of the Chinese-Taipei Football Association Chiu Yi-ren (邱義仁) admitted that he was ashamed to show his face at FIFA's Munich conference because of Taiwan's abject failure in the world of soccer. Taiwan, he said, is the lowest-ranked among countries whose per capita GDP is above US$10,000.

Indeed, the latest FIFA rankings have Taiwan placed 156 out of 205 countries around the globe, 12 places ahead of Papua New Guinea and just 11 places behind renowned soccer giant Tahiti.

Chiu is not the only one ashamed by our poor showing. To remedy the situation, I am proposing the formation of a new international soccer team employing people experienced in acting as ambassadors for Taiwan's image overseas: That's right, the nation's hard-working and honorable legislators.

For when it comes to taking free-kick(back)s, firing in (cheap) shots and putting the boot in, the nation's politicians are second to none.

For goalkeeper, Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) Legislator Wang Shu-hui (王淑慧) would be the first pick. She proved herself highly skilled in the art of blocking during the cross-strait direct links bill riots a couple of weeks ago, and if all else fails she could always eat the ball.

The Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) legislative caucus would make an ideal defense, as it is well-versed in the art of halting every move the opposition makes.

At sweeper would have to be the legislature's very own big brother, independent Legislator Yen Ching-piao (顏清標), who time and again has proved himself adept at fending off surprise attacks (on the speaker's podium). His sheer size would also make it extremely difficult for any opposition team member to get anywhere near the goal.

For midfield general and player-coach look no further than Legislative Speaker Wang Jin-pyng (王金平), who over the years has proved a master at breaking up opposition counter-attacks and linking play between defenders and attackers. He is also the only person capable of managing the mixture of aging journeymen and upcoming young talent that comprise the nation's lawmakers.

Scoring should be a cinch, as the options are unlimited when it comes to selecting "w(h)ingers," "strikers" and "attackers" from the legislative floor.

With a team like that Taiwan couldn't lose. Watch out, Brazil!

While we're on the subject of defeat, perennial loser and former KMT chairman Lien Chan (連戰) was in Singapore this week to celebrate 100 years since Sun Yat-sen (孫中山) founded the Singapore chapter of the Tongmenghui (同盟會), the predecessor for the gang of thieves now known as the KMT.

Now either Singaporean Foreign Minister George Yeo had had one too many lunchtime cocktails or he had just woken up after listening to one of Lien's notoriously interesting speeches when he came out with the following: "Our [Singapore's] `one China' policy is not just an alternative we choose; it has roots in our history -- which created a separate, independent nationalism in Singapore after the war."

"Independent nationalism?" this is not the kind of language that our beloved friends across the Strait would like to hear when talking to someone from Taiwan. A "Beijing blast" can be expected some time soon.

Never one to hold a grudge, old Lien seized the opportunity to attack President Chen Shui-bian's (陳水扁) recent performance, and a TODAYonline report backed up Lien's venom with some dubious statistics in an article entitled "Lien: Face reality, Chen."

The article cited a poll by Xinhua news agency that said 54 percent of respondents thought that the president should step down to take responsibility for the string of recent scandals affecting his aides and in-laws, while 20 percent approved of Chen's performance.

Thanks, TODAYonline, but since when did Communist Party mouthpiece Xinhua start representing public opinion in Taiwan? And come to think of it, do the Chicoms know the addresses of the 20 percent of those who thought A-Bian was doing a good job?

Speaking of the embattled president, it's hard to believe the ridiculous amendment proposed by pan-blue lawmakers during this week's special legislative session. They wish to amend the Statute Governing Preferential Treatment for Retired Presidents and Vice Presidents (總統副總統禮遇條例) to cancel such treatment for any former leader if family members or in-laws are charged and convicted of corruption-related crimes. Is this a thinly veiled attack on someone we know perhaps?

And what if this bid fails? Can we expect an amendment to cancel preferential treatment for those who refer to themselves in the third person and who won an election by a razor-thin margin after narrowly escaping a botched, allegedly fabricated, assassination attempt?

Or maybe an amendment to cancel the preferential treatment for ex-KMT presidents who turned out not to be pro-China after a lifetime of KMT membership and who surreptitiously supported Taiwanese independence during their presidency before getting kicked out of the party and going on to form a new pro-localization party?

And finally, I came across a number of headlines noting "Taiwan fingered as the hub of spam distribution," and "Your spam is made in Taiwan too," earlier this week, accusing my beloved homeland of being responsible for 63 percent of the world's spam.

At first I thought that the Department of Health had come up with a novel way to dispose of all the diseased pork (病死肉) that was discovered in crackdowns on the nation's pork dealers last year. But it turns out that they were talking about junk e-mail.

At least now I know where all those "hot and horny housewives" that I regularly receive e-mail from reside. You'll have to excuse me, I'm off to the local Friday club.

Heard or read something particularly objectionable about Taiwan? Johnny wants to know: dearjohnny@taipeitimes.com is the place to reach me, with "Dear Johnny" in the subject line.