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Universalist or relativist? These are the U and non-U of manners

Are you U or non-U? By which I mean, are you a universalist or a relativist? Forget left and right; the defining political divide of the global era is between those who believe that some moral rights and freedoms ought to be universal and those who argue that each culture to its own. This new frontline of contemporary debate runs across issues as diverse as race, faith, multiculturalism, feminism, gay rights, freedom of speech and foreign policy. In each instance, the argument eventually comes down to whether you have a universalist or relativist view of the world.

Universalists argue that certain rights and protections -- freedom of speech, democracy, the rule of law -- are common or, at least, should be available to all people. Relativists maintain that different cultures have different values and that it's impossible to say that one system or idea is better than another and, moreover, it's racist to try.

If all of that sounds a little abstract and theoretical, then a quick glance at government policy is enough to show that these contradictory principles underpin many of the most significant developments of recent years. For example, the interventions in Kosovo, Sierra Leone and, most controversially, Iraq were predicated, give or take a few WMD, on the notion that the inhabitants of those countries should be extended the democratic rights that most people in the West take for granted.

At the same time on the domestic front, a lot of time and effort has been devoted to instituting what Nobel economist Amartya Sen calls "plural monoculturalism," which is to say the maintenance of ethnic and cultural separateness through the encouragement of faith schools, "community leaders" and identity politics.

Thus, you could say that the government was universalist abroad and relativist at home. If all that's a little confusing, then perhaps it's time to check whether you are U or non-U. I have designed a test that is every bit as relevant to modern manners as Nancy Mitford's book on class published 50 years ago.

Let's start with cannibalism, slavery and ritual human sacrifice.

Do you think that they are:

a) utterly unspeakable acts of barbarity?

b) vibrant expressions of a distinctive cultural heritage?

Actually, that was a fairly easy one -- even the most postmodern relativist tends to choke on cannibalism. Here's something a little more difficult.

What's your feeling about clitoridectomy and the stoning to death of women adulterers?

a) misogynistic;

b) that's a racist question;

c) empowering.

How about empirical reason?

a) the very basis of scientific advance;

b) overrated;

c) not as reliable as tarot cards.

What's your take on the Enlightenment?

a) it was a historical shift towards universal human rights and freedoms;

b) a Western fiction that never happened and, if it did happen, it led directly to Hitler;

c) only God is light.

Freedom of speech?

a) is the basis of all other freedoms;

b) you support it but only if you agree with what's being said and there's no such thing as complete freedom of speech, anyway, so what's wrong with even less?

c) shut up or I'll cut your head off.

What do you think of secularism?

a) the only system that protects all faiths equally without allowing any to dominate;

b) Iraq was secular and look what happened to it;

c) a disgusting insult to the will of God.

Indefinite detention without trial?

a) never acceptable;

b) not acceptable when the US does it;

c) acceptable if the hostages are Westerners.

Should individuals be able to do what they want, as long as it doesn't harm anyone else?

a) yes;

b) people don't know what they want, they've been brainwashed by the corporate media;

c) everything that is godless is harmful.

Are all cultures equal?

a) no, they sanction varying degrees of freedom, equality, opportunity, security and diversity;

b) no, Western democracy is by far the worst;

c) no, the Jews have all the power.

Gay rights?

a) homosexuals should enjoy the same rights and freedoms as heterosexuals;

b) gay rights should not be a shibboleth that prevent politically expedient alliances with reactionary homophobes;

c) they have the right to be thrown off roofs and crushed under walls.

OK, let's total up your score. If you got six or more As, you are a U, an unapologetic universalist; say after me, there is no race but the human race. If you got six or more Bs, you are non-U, have you thought about joining the Respect party? If you got six or more Cs -- U, non-U, what a load of decadent nonsense -- you know the Truth.

The good thing about this test is that no one is right and no one is wrong, there are no winners and no losers. It's universal fun, relatively speaking.
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