The first color photos came back from Mars last week. NASA scientists sat at their computers for ages waiting for the digital photos to download, and wishing they'd paid the extra to get broadband. But when the first images of the red planet confirmed that it was indeed sort of reddish, they were beside themselves with excitement.
"The surfaces of the rocks are remarkably smooth and the shapes are quite varied," enthused lead scientist Dr Steven Squyres. "Some of them are quite rounded and some of them quite angular."
ILLUSTRATION: MOUNTAIN PEOPLE
It doesn't get much more thrilling than this. "Right, so no actual green men then?" asked the journalist in the front row. "Or Klingons in flying saucers maybe?" added another optimistically as the next 20 photos of smooth rocks were proudly described.
But having seen these postcards from another planet, US President George W. Bush announced that we really have to see this place for ourselves, and on Wednesday he announced a massive expansion of the US space program that will see a manned flight to Mars within the next couple of decades. Take-off is planned for the year 2020, or later if they let Dubya do the final countdown from 10 to lift-off.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair was straight on the phone offering technical help from Britain's own Martian space program. "You see, our chaps have been kicking their heels a bit since they lost their Beagle probe, so anything they can do to help ... "
"Er, that's really kind of you, Tony, but I think we're going to be okay," replied George, as his advisers frantically shook their heads and mouthed: "No!" as emphatically as possible.
"No, really, we helped you in Iraq. Perhaps we can use all the British know-how from the failed Beagle mission to make this a sort of joint US-UK mission to Mars. Hello? Hello? Oh, we must have been cut off."
The flight to Mars will take six months, so one of the biggest challenges will be organizing the in-flight entertainment. Astronauts will spend the first few weeks flicking between the channels showing Mr Bean or non-stop Motown classics. It's either that or take off the little headphones and listen to the bloke in the next seat moaning about the fact that you have to pay extra for them.
And when the little trays of food come round he will complain that he definitely pre-ordered the vegetarian option in an obvious ploy to get everyone else's cheese triangle.
Then he'll wait until the entire row have their tray tables spread out before announcing that he needs to go to the toilet.
Finally, the pioneers will step down on to the surface of Mars, only to discover that their baggage has been flown to Mercury.
"This is one small step for man, one giant leap for the drilling rights of Exxon."
Another part of George Bush's exciting vision is the idea of an occupied lunar base.
"Man to live on the moon" screamed one of the front pages, though disappointingly it won't be David Dickinson from Bargain Hunt. Research scientists will be sent to live in the lunar pod for extended sabbaticals to study sunspots or whatever, although of course the real reason will be because they kept nicking the head of NASA's parking space.
Quite how they are going to get the builders out to the moon to build this accommodation has not been explained, though NASA is currently developing a space suit which hangs down at the back to reveal the builder's bottom crack. Having a second home on the moon will be a terrible worry in the winter months when it's just sitting there empty, but NASA are hoping they'll be able to find a nice lady from the local village to pop in and water the plants and put the heating on before they arrive.
Fifteen years after his father promised a mission to Mars that never materialized, Dubya has set out his own 2020 vision, this time missing out the detail of how it will be paid for. Apparently much of the cost could be met by internal savings at NASA; rinsing out and re-using the paper cups at the water cooler, that sort of thing.
Cynics have been quick to point out that the president has made these bold and exciting announcements at the beginning of an election year, but there is a good, practical reason for this.
NASA will spend months desperately searching for volunteers to risk their lives spending months cooped up flying to a lifeless desert, but no one will be mad enough to want to do it.
Then in November, Bush will be re-elected to a second term, and suddenly millions of people will rush forward screaming: "Get me to Mars, the moon, whatever; just get me off this planet as quickly as possible."
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